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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350731">The file of Barnes, James B, Sergeant, 32557038</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuginsQuill/pseuds/HuginsQuill'>HuginsQuill</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Foggy Stars and Illuminous Dreams [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Romance, really just want to see Bucky happy most of the time</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:55:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,079</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350731</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuginsQuill/pseuds/HuginsQuill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A compilation of oneshots featuring Bucky as the main protagonist. Some are set in AUs, some in or in between the movies. Probably a lot on WinterWidow, but not only that. I'm always open for prompts, though I will not write nsfw.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Foggy Stars and Illuminous Dreams [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156133</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>WinterWidow</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Spiral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The battle against Thanos comes with a loss Bucky hadn't expected.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Bucky stepped through that sparkling portal, he inevitable kept an eye out for a familiar shock of blonde hair. He knew she had survived the snap; otherwise she would have been with him in Wakanda. But it was hard to distinguish single people on that battlefield. Plus, he didn't even know whether she was still blonde. That wizard had said five years had passed. For all he knew, she might have changed her hair again now that she wasn't on the run anymore.</p><p>The battle was exhausting and bloody and Bucky was sure he was done with fighting for the rest of his life. He just wanted his peace with his girl and their family. Maybe they'd get a farm.</p><p>Finally, he found Steve. Buff, clean shaven, broken Stevie, mourning the death of Howard's son. He hadn't known Tony very well but he felt a deep respect towards the man who had sacrificed everything to save everything. To make sure his daughter would have a future. "Stevie…"</p><p>"Bucky! Oh, thank God!" He wrapped him in a tight embrace and Bucky couldn't help but return it just as tightly.</p><p>"Bet you did a ton of stupid things while I wasn't there to stop you," Bucky mumbled and Steve sobbed in response. "Where's Nat? I haven't seen her yet."</p><p>Steve shook a bit harder but loosened the embrace to get a good look at Bucky. "Oh, Buck. I'm sorry. So sorry."</p><p>"What do you mean? Steve?" His voice trembled. "<em>What the hell do you mean?</em>"</p><p>"Natasha died. Clint and she were supposed to get the Soul Stone. We didn't know there was a sacrifice involved. A soul for a soul."</p><p>Bucky staggered back. "What? So Barton-"</p><p>"She jumped," Clint threw in, grief etched onto his face. "I didn't want her to do it; I didn't deserve her sacrifice. But she's… she <em>was</em> so fucking stubborn. In the last moment, she tied me to the ledge. I tried to hold her, but…" Fresh tears spilled over his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Barnes. I truly am. If anyone would have deserved that happy ending, it would have been Nat."</p><p>Bucky took some deep breaths, trying to fight the nausea that was threatening to overwhelm him. The other men didn't speak but gave him the time to deal with that information. "What about her child? Where is he? Or she?"</p><p>"Child?" Steve exchanged a glance with Clint who only shrugged. "Buck, Nat didn't have a child. She wasn't even pregnant."</p><p>"Of course she was. She told me so before the battle in Wakanda," Bucky answered confused. "C'mon, Steve. I know you don't have much experience with women, but even you should recognise a pregnant one. Especially if it's Nat."</p><p>Steve clasped his shoulder tightly and looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "Natasha wasn't pregnant. I might not have been at the compound as often as I should have been but I'm sure I would have noticed if Natasha had a kid running around."</p><p>Bucky shrugged away from the touch; it didn't make any sense. He shook his head violently and backed away, neither trusting his voice nor his memories. Maybe it was just another nightmare. Maybe he would wake up soon, Natasha in his arms, soon to be awoken by a little child with that green eyes of hers.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Of course he hadn't woken up. While the others mourned Tony and what had been their home for a long time, he spend his time guarding and watching the stone that Natasha had given her life to obtain. He knew Steve needed to take them all back to their respective times but it was hard letting go of that orange glowing rock. It was the last thing he got left of her. It wasn't like he felt a connection between the stone and Natasha but it still felt almost impossible to let go of it. What was he supposed to do after life turned back to normal? How could he move on from losing her a second time?</p><p>"You're ready for Tony's memorial?" Sam asked and finished buttoning his shirt. "We're going to be late."</p><p>"I don't think I should go," Bucky answered, not lifting his gaze from the stone. "I killed his parents, after all. It's my fault we fought at that airport. He probably wouldn't want me at his memorial."</p><p>Sam looked at him for a long time. "You know… If you want to honour or respect his sacrifice, him as a man or your memory of his dad, then I guess no one will kick you out." He paused before adding a bit quieter: "And maybe it'll help you say goodbye to Nat, too. I know Barton plans to hold a memorial for her at his farm, but still… I think it might help you."</p><p>Bucky took a deep breath and closed the hand holding the stone. "I don't have a suit."</p><p>A sympathetic smile found its way on Sam's lips. "I think we can find some black clothes for you. Nat would kick my ass if I'd let you go in sweats."</p><p>Bucky chuckled involuntarily and wiped his right hand down his face. "Yeah, she would."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>It was time. They had sent Tony's first arc reactor out on the lake and now Steve would take back the stones. Bucky found himself both avoiding Tony's little girl and Barton. It wasn't like he blamed the latter for Natasha's death; he himself knew how impossible it was to stop her from doing anything. It was rather the fact that he saw his own grief mirrored on the man's face. As for Morgan, it hurt to see what could have been. The girl didn't deserve to grow up without her father. Did he deserve to survive without the first and only woman he ever loved? Bucky chose not to answer that question.</p><p>As Steve went to the platform to get ready for his time travel, Bucky lingered behind, trying to summon up the courage to give up the Soul Stone. It spoke volumes about how deep in thought he was that a woman like Laura Barton could surprise him.</p><p>"Mr. Barnes?" she asked softly.</p><p>Bucky looked up, his heart beating faster. "Bucky. Or… or James." Natasha had been the only one to call him James in a very long time.</p><p>She seemed to sense his hesitation concerning his given name. "Bucky then," she relented with a smile. "I understand that you and Natasha were close. I just want to tell you that you are always welcome at the farm if you want to trade stories. Or if you find yourself not wanting to be alone. Nat was an important part of our family – the kids adored her and she adored them. So if you want to learn more about the part of her that was Auntie Nat… Please drop by. You're not alone in your grief."</p><p>Bucky felt himself choking on the tears he had refused to shed those last days. "Thank you," he croaked. "Really. Thank you. I think I would like that."</p><p>"Any time." Laura smiled sadly and, once her maternal side won over, hugged him.</p><p>Mindful of his strength and trying hard not to crush her, Bucky returned the hug. "I'm glad Nat had you," he finally said, letting go of Laura. "When she was in Wakanda, she would often talk of you, Barton and the kids. Being called her family is a great achievement."</p><p>"When Clint first brought her home, I'd never thought we would grow that close. But maybe that's a story for a different time. When she was at the farm she would talk about you, too. I… I'm sure you know that but she did love you. Not because she told me so. But you could see it in her smile every time she talked about you."</p><p>Bucky gulped. He knew, of course. But it was nice to hear although it also ripped his heart in two. So he only nodded and went to join Steve, Sam and Bruce standing around the little platform that would transport Steve through time.</p><p>His best friend noticed him and hugged him briefly but tightly. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."<br/>Despite everything, Bucky smiled. "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." He paused for a moment. "Be careful, punk."</p><p>"You know me. I'm always careful."</p><p>Somewhere to Bucky's left, Sam snorted.</p><p>Steve grew sober again. "If there's a way to bring her home, I will do so, Buck. I promise."</p><p>"I know." Bucky stepped a few feet away as Bruce counted down and watched with fascination and dread as Steve disappeared. The next five seconds seemed the longest in his life. What if something went wrong? Would it change anything if Steve had the possibility to bring back Natasha's body? He was sure he couldn't move on from that and burying her would make no difference.</p><p>Bruce counted down again and Steve reappeared, another person in a quantum suit cradled in his arms. All breath was punched from Bucky's lungs. She seemed so small, tucked tightly against Steve's chest; small and fragile. Time seemed to slow and stop and Bucky could barely think over the rushing in his ears. And then, suddenly, both helmet moved back to expose the faces of Steve and Natasha and Bucky's heart stopped <em>beating</em> for a moment when Natasha opened her eyes and moved to stand on the ground. He watched petrified as Natasha smiled at Steve who returned the smile and nodded in Bucky's direction, saying something he couldn't hear. Natasha turned and then, her whole face lit up. She jumped from the platform and, suddenly, her arms were around his neck. Bucky needed a second but then he wrapped his arms around her, felt her warmth and hid his face in the crook of her neck. And then, for the first time in a very long while, James felt like himself again.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Through the window, James could see a sliver of the moon. The familiar weight of Natasha using his chest as a pillow grounded him. He hadn't had a nightmare in a very long time. Tomorrow he would chop some wood for the winter that was already lurking around the corners; Nat was insufferable when she was cold. Lost in thought, his drew shallow circles on her back. After the battle in Wakanda he wouldn't have dreamt of a quiet night like this. Of leading a normal life. Of being with Natasha and having a family.</p><p>The door to the bedroom squeaked softly and James turned his head. His gaze was met by sleepy greenish eyes. "Hey," he said softly.</p><p>"I couldn't sleep," the little girl answered and rubbed her eyes.</p><p>"I think we have room for you. C'mere."</p><p>The girl stumbled to the bedside and climbed on the bed only to tuck herself against James's free side. "Love you, daddy."</p><p>"Love you, too, Amy." He carefully kissed the crown of her head. "Sleep well, princess."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Breathe Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky can finally breathe again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CN: mentions of a character getting hurt</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky blinked into the sun as he stepped out of the little hut near the lake. The Wakandan landscape unfolded before him and birdsong mixed with the bleating of the goats Shuri had tasked him to take care of. The ghost of a smile managed its way on his face. They had spent a fun day naming them all as an exercise for him making choices. One of the more stubborn ones had ended up with the name Steve which Shuri still found hilarious.</p><p>"Is sleeping in a habit of yours?" As if his thoughts had called her, Shuri waited a few steps from his hut, a smile that matched the sun on her lips.</p><p>Bucky returned it without thinking and without difficulty. "Shuri. Good to see you. Is everything alright?"</p><p>"Just wanted to visit my favourite broken white boy," she replied easily and hugged him in a greeting. "How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Good. I'm good." He returned the hug with his right arm, enjoying the feeling of holding the girl. Shuri reminded him of his sister Rebecca. Although he had only discovered those memories recently and they had proven to be quite painful, he relished in being able to make that comparison. "It's nice to be out here. I have the time and… <em>space</em> to rediscover what Hydra had buried. I can't thank you enough for what you've done, Shuri."</p><p>"You're very welcome." Shuri patted his back before she let go of him. "Shall we walk?"</p><p>Bucky nodded and followed her to the shores of the lake where they turned left and followed the waterline. "How is the king? I've heard what happened… Is he alright?"</p><p>"Yeah, he's good. We all are. Though it was quite the ruckus. Okoye is hoping we're getting a Starbucks, now that T'Challa opened the borders to the world. I doubt it so far." Shuri shrugged, bent down to pick up a stone and pocketed it. "Captain Rogers called ahead, said he and his group of misfits will be coming. It seems Romanoff has managed to contact them to join them but there… have been obstacles."</p><p>Bucky turned to look at her. Shuri knew he remembered at least parts of his past with Natalia. The Russian winters. Combat training. Watching her dance at the Bolshoi. Stitching her up. Holding her in his arms. Kissing her… "What kind of obstacles?" He was proud for how calm he sounded although he was sure that Shuri could see right through it.</p><p>Shuri picked up another stone and didn't look at him when she answered. "It seems that General Ross had sent his men after her after she had helped you and Captain Rogers escape. Romanoff was able to dodge them for quite some time, but they got lucky. I don't have the details yet, but they found and surprised her. Captain Rogers and his group were already on the way to her after she contacted them and managed to get her out. She will be brought here to heal."</p><p>"Heal what, exactly? How bad is it?"</p><p>Shuri stopped walking and faced Bucky, forcing him to look at her. "I need you to calm down, Bucky. Romanoff is hurt, yes, but she will be fine. The best doctors in this country are awaiting their arrival to immediately take care of her. To my knowledge she suffered shot wounds and lost a lot of blood. Wilson is taking care of her as they fly here. She will survive."</p><p>Bucky drew in a shuddering breath and willed his pulse to slow down. "How can you be sure?"</p><p>"Have I ever been wrong?"</p><p>Bucky couldn't help but chuckle at her words, then he dragged his hand over his face. "Good point." He took deliberately deep breaths until he could feel the panic subsiding.</p><p>Shuri watched him attentively and gave him the time he needed to pull himself back together. "If you want, I can give you a ride to the capitol."</p><p>"Yes, please."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"Buck? Is that you?" Steve caught him in a bearhug that nearly robbed Bucky of his breath. "It is good to see you. How are you doing?"</p><p>"Better, thanks to Shuri. She helped me a lot." Bucky looked around, trying to find that flash of red hair. He couldn't. "Shuri also told me why you're here. Where's your friend?"</p><p>The happiness basically fell from Steve's face and suddenly he looked weary, as if he hadn't slept much. "They've already taken her away. Sam, Wanda and I came just in time. If we hadn't…" He shook his head and sat down on the steps leading to the garden. "I don't know how Ross's men could have found Natasha. She's the best and she doesn't make mistakes. Not big ones like that. Not when it's about falling of the grid. But I don't know who could have sold her. I refuse to believe it was Tony, but who else?"</p><p>Bucky sat down next to him, his arm propped on one knee. "You're right she'd never made such a mistake. Except if it had been worth it."</p><p>Steve looked at him and blinked several times. Despite the beard he looked owlish.</p><p>"What's wrong?"</p><p>"The way you talk about Nat… Do you know her?"</p><p><em>Crap</em>. "Just the impression I've got." Bucky shrugged. "She seemed like a pro who wouldn't make simple mistakes."</p><p>"Uhuh. Something you wanna tell me, Buck?"</p><p>Bucky turned to look ahead. How could he explain something he barely understood himself? He remembered Natalia alright but he wasn't too sure whether the feelings that arose whenever he though about her were real. If they ever had been. "Your friend Natasha reminds me of someone I once knew. It was a long time ago. I lost track of her."</p><p>"Oh. I'm sorry about that." Steve laid his hand on his shoulder sympathetically. "Maybe there's a way to track her down. I've got a lot of time on my hands right now. I could help."</p><p>"Thanks." Bucky managed a wry smile.</p><p>"You wanna tell me about her?"</p><p>Bucky fell silent. Part of him wanted to tell Steve, just like before the war, when he would tell him about the girl he was currently seeing. But another part of him wanted to keep Natalia for himself, wanted to keep the memory of her pure. Natalia had been part of a dark time in his life, the only ray of light in the darkness. But since he had started working his way through old and buried memories, he had found more parts that were definitely James Barnes and not the Winter Soldier. And James Barnes would have shared with Steve. Bucky found, he wanted to share, too. "There was a place in the Soviet Union where kids would be trained to be spies and agents. The Winter Soldier was there for some time to take over certain areas of training. I met her there. The best to ever emerge from that school, if you wanna call it that. Soon I took over her combat training completely and she would accompany me on missions to watch and learn. We… We grew closer. Somehow she managed to find the man within the Winter Soldier with ease. She was the only one to not treat me like a weapon." Bucky was glad for Steve keeping silent. He knew he would lose the courage to talk if anyone interrupted him now. His gaze dropped to his hand, remembering how it looked against Natalia's skin. "We dreamed about a life far away from the death and pain we caused. Somewhere quiet, where no one would know our names or our faces. But they found out. Her trainer and my handler couldn't allow us to rediscover our humanity. So they stopped us. They… I think they wiped me and made her watch. I remember her face. Big, green eyes, full of tears she wasn't allowed to shed. She fought like a lioness, but to no use. It would be years until I saw her again."</p><p>Silence settled between them for a few beats. Then, Steve quietly spoke up. "It's Nat, isn't it? She told me there was a back story after we exposed Hydra. And she although we didn't talk about it, I knew there was something up when she helped me save you. I just… I never asked her."</p><p>"Yeah. I knew her by Natalia. When we met at the airport, she seemed familiar, but I couldn't really place her. And she told me I could at least remember her when we fought after Zemo reactivated the Winter Soldier."</p><p>Steve scoffed and shook his head. "I didn't catch that. And she never said a word."</p><p>"Doesn't surprise me."</p><p>"Me neither. Not really. She did tell me about the love is for children part after Banner vanished."</p><p>"Who's Banner?"</p><p>Steve sighed wearily. "An Avenger. And a friend, I'd say. He vanished a few years ago after a battle. Nat and him… There was something between them. Or so I thought. I wouldn't put it past Nat to force something like that to happen to push something other aside. It was after she met you again, after all."</p><p>Bucky looked up, confusion written all over his face. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"You'll find out." Steve clapped his shoulder, looking at him in earnest. "I'm glad you're coming back, Buck."</p><p>"Steve?" Sam's voice carried through the air and both super soldiers turned around. "They brought Nat in a recovery room. We can get to her, if we want to." He looked Steve down and raised an eyebrow. "Though you might want to change before."</p><p>"Coming, Sam. Thanks."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"I'm getting us some coffees. You're good?" Steve asked quietly.</p><p>Bucky didn't even look away from Natalia. "Yeah."</p><p>Steve shook his head with a rare, soft smile. "You're head over heels, Buck. I haven't seen you like that in… well, never, I guess."</p><p>"Easy. There has never been someone like her." Bucky barely registered Steve leaving. His eyes scanned the various monitors that were hooked to instruments to constantly check her vitals. An IV dripped a steady flow of painkillers into her bloodstream. Bucky already knew she would be pissed about that in just a few hours. "Never thought to see you again," he murmured and took her hand, letting his thumb paint soothing circles on the back of it. "I thought I'd lost you." Carefully, he placed her hand back on the blanket. He didn't want her to feel trapped when she woke.</p><p>In hindsight, it might not have been the best idea. One moment Natalia's finger twitched, the next she moved to pull the IV out of her hand. Bucky caught her just in time. It was his luck she was high on painkillers. Otherwise he'd never bested her with just one arm. "It's okay, Talia. You're safe."</p><p>Natalia frowned and blinked a few times until her eyes had adjusted to the light enough for her to recognise him. "Yasha? You're not real."</p><p>Bucky smiled although he felt something within him constrict painfully. "I'm here, Talia. I'm real."</p><p>"Madame B. mustn't know you're here." Her voice was low and barely audible over the purring of the machines.</p><p>"She won't. I promise." Bucky decided to play along. There was no use in trying to convince her; she wouldn't remember their conversation either way later. Painkillers had always messed with her and Wakanda seemed to have some pretty potent stuff.</p><p>Natalia turned her head slowly to better look at him. Her eyes were slightly unfocused. "Missed you, Yasha. Thought you wouldn't 'member me after las' time."</p><p>Bucky leaned closer to her and held her hand in his, brushing his lips over her knuckles. "As if I could ever forget you for long. My ballerina." He kissed her hand again, relishing in the feeling of her skin against his lips. "Sleep. You need it."</p><p>"Stay." The softness and vulnerability of her voice let his heart ache; he'd ever seen her like that when she was injured and up to her eyebrows in medication.</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I'm staying right here."</p><p>Natalia nodded slowly, her eyelids already drooping. "Good."</p><p>Bucky sighed and let his eyes wander over the various bandages that covered her wounds. "I really wonder what was worth it for you to end up like this," he murmured.</p><p>"Children."</p><p>Wanda's voice let Bucky flinch. He wasn't used to be sneaked up on and he really didn't like it. "Excuse me?"</p><p>The young woman entered the room and carefully closed the door behind her before placing Bucky's coffee cup on the little table near him when he refused to let go of Natalia's hand. "Sam and I were investigating a bit. It seems like Natasha met a few kids living on the street and she took care of them. Someone must have recognized her and tipped Ross's men off. One of the kids brought her to safety and tried to stop her bleeding. I don't know whether she would have made it without them."</p><p>Bucky shook his head and chuckled. "Of course. Children."</p><p>"What do you mean?" Wanda asked and tilted her head in curiosity.</p><p>"Not my story to tell."</p><p>"How is she? She was awake? I could feel her consciousness spike for a moment," Wanda added when Bucky raised an eyebrow at her.</p><p>He nodded, his gaze returning to Natalia's face. "She's fine. Though she will be pissed when she wakes up. She hates painkillers."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Confusion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky bonds with Tony and meets Peter Parker.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky/Natasha, Tony, Peter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been some weeks since Bucky had moved into the Tower. Most of the team members had welcomed him, albeit some more hesitatingly than others. The kid that always hung around Stark was almost reverent in the way he treated Bucky. It was weird but he reminded Bucky of Steve, sometimes. His willingness to sacrifice himself for others… He also made a point to always teach Bucky something new about the twenty-first century. Today he wanted to show him how to set up an Instagram account, although Bucky didn't understand why he should need that.</p>
<p>Since the kid was still in school and wouldn't be coming around for a few more hours, Bucky decided to go down to Tony's lab. In another life he had loved watching Howard Stark work on gimmicks and asking questions and sometimes he slunk down to watch Tony through the glass. They weren't outright violently towards each other but there was a certain guardedness. Not that Bucky blamed Tony. It <em>had</em> been the Winter Soldier who had killed Tony's parents, there was no way denying it. He could only hope they would work through it some day.</p>
<p>The lab was empty except for Tony working on one of his many projects, goggles on his face to protect his eyes. Even through the glass Bucky could hear the blasting music. Suddenly Tony looked up and directly towards Bucky was standing; probably his AI – FRIDAY, right? – had alerted him to Bucky's presence. Instead of going back to his work, Tony ripped the goggles from his face and marched towards the door of the lab to open it. The music seemes even louder. "You do know how to use doors, right?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I, uhm… I didn't know whether it would be okay for me to come in. Can I watch?" Whoever watched them now would never think that the squirming man with the metal arm, who had several inches on Tony, was the most infamous assassin of the world.</p>
<p>Tony raised an eyebrow at him. "You know something about nanotech? Laser-based weaponry?"</p>
<p>"No, not exactly. It's just… I like tech, okay? I spend my last day before deployment going to Stark Expo and watched a flying car crash." He smiled bashfully and shrugged. "I won't be in the way, I promise."</p>
<p>Tony watched him for a moment, then he nodded and stepped back inside the lab, motioning for Bucky to follow him. "FRI, turn the music down." Back at his table he pushed another chair beside his and sat in his chair. "I found the specs of that car some years ago. Howard did some miscalculations, but he got around to fixing it eventually. You should ask Phil to have a look at Lola. Howard build the first model and I updated it some time after the battle of New York."</p>
<p>"A flying car? For real?" Bucky's eyes were gleaming. "Do you have any photos? Does it spit fire?"</p>
<p>"Spit fire?" Tony laughed, a sound that Bucky hadn't heard of him yet. Not a real laugh, anyways. "Well, sort of. And some other cool things. I'm not sure if I have photos, though… FRI, can you do a sweep?"</p>
<p>"Sure thing, boss," the bodiless voice answered. Bucky flinched. He still wasn't used to that, though at least he didn't move to grab his gun anymore. Only a second later a bunch of pictures appeared on a nearby screen. All of them showed a red, sleek car, sometimes with a balding man behind the wheel or near it.</p>
<p>Bucky turned to inspect them more closely. "Awesome," he breathed. "Who is the man?"</p>
<p>Tony threw a quick glance over his shoulder before he focused back on his project. "Agent Phil Coulson. SHIELD agent. Died in the battle in New York, but came back. Was the handler of the assassin twins. That's Clint and Natasha, by the way. After the battle he got his own special op team. You should have seen Natasha when she found out he hadn't really died. Never saw Phil or Fury that scared ever again."</p>
<p>"I can imagine." Bucky grinned at the genius. "What are you working on?"</p>
<p>"New suit." With a flick of his hand, Tony brought up some holographic specs. "I want to test around with some nano tech. Makes it better portable. I liked the suitcase, but that was heavy as hell. Calling them from somewhere either destroys a lot or takes too long. Or both. So, nano."</p>
<p>"What's nano tech?" Bucky moved back to the table and watched Tony work in concentration.</p>
<p>"Imagine them like the tiniest robots ever. Lots of them." They sat n silence until Tony spoke up again, his gaze fixed on the tools in his hands. "You and Howard… You were friends?"</p>
<p>Bucky also refused to look up. "I wouldn't say I really knew him. But yes, I would have considered him my friend. Still do." Finally, Bucky looked up, searching Tony's gaze. "I'm sorry for what the Soldier did to your parents. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder."</p>
<p>Tony acknowledged his words with a nod. Then: "I could take a look at your arm, if you want to. Maybe upgrade that a tad. I mean, I know T'Challa's sister is not exactly bad, but maybe there's something she missed."</p>
<p>Again it was silent for a while, until Bucky spoke up again. "Could you… Could you make it human? Like…" He sighed heavily. "The metal reminds me of <em>him</em>. And I…" He trailed off.</p>
<p>"Let me run some tests. I'm sure I can think of something. Maybe Bruce and Helen have some input, too. Biology is more their field."</p>
<p>Bucky found himself smiling softly. "Thank you. Really."</p>
<p>"No biggie. Just make sure Nat doesn't always drink my stuff."</p>
<p>The soft chuckle surprised both of them. "You know I can't promise that."</p>
<p>"Promise what?" Natasha asked.</p>
<p>Both men nearly jumped in their seats, but Tony was slightly quicker to answer. "Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Nat! What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>"Dropping off the kid. I found him wandering around."</p>
<p>Peter, the kid in question, rolled his eyes as he walked around her to enter the lab and dropped his backpack off somewhere near another table. "I might have turned left where I should have turned right. That place is a maze, Mr Stark!"</p>
<p>Nat cleared her throat with an amused smirk. "Aren't you forgetting something?"</p>
<p>"Oh, right! Sorry." Peter skipped back to Natasha and hugged her. "Thanks for getting me, mama pauk. See you later in the gym?"</p>
<p>"Only if you're not forgetting the time down here," Natasha answered and hugged him back. "Do remember to eat something, yes, rebenok pauk?" Then she turned around to leave, closing the door behind her.</p>
<p>Bucky could basically feel himself freeze as he heard the nicknames. What the <em>hell</em>?</p>
<p>"Barnes?" Tony poked him with a screwdriver. "You're still with us?"</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head. "Hey, uhm, kid? How old are you?" His voice was raspier than usual while he frantically tried to come up with a timeline.</p>
<p>Peter looked at him with equal party worry and confusion. "Uh, sixteen, Mr Sergeant Barnes, sir. Why do you ask?"</p>
<p>Sixteen years. When had he last met Natasha? "I… I need to go. Sorry," he mumbled and quickly moved out of the lab, barely hearing Tony yell after him to come back anytime because of his arm. "Nat? Nat!" Finally, he found her.</p>
<p>"James?" Natasha frowned at him. "Is everything okay? Did those two already blow up the lab?"</p>
<p>"No. No, that's not it. The kid, uhm, Peter… He said he's sixteen. I… I'm not sure when we last met and I wondered…" When the <em>hell</em> did he start to stammer while talking to a woman?</p>
<p>Natasha's frown deepened during his speech, until she shook her head. "Peter's not ours, if that's what you're afraid of."</p>
<p>Bucky could feel relief flood through him, but also a bit of wistfulness. "But you called him baby spider."</p>
<p>Now she rolled her eyes. "Because that's what he is, idiot. A kid with the moniker of a spider. And in need of some guidance and training. I couldn't leave all of that to Stark, otherwise that kid would never learn some serious hand-to-hand combat."</p>
<p>Bucky cocked his head. "And why does he call you momma spider?"</p>
<p>"Because that's what happened." Natasha gave him a one-shouldered shrug and took his hand in hers before walking on. "I like that kid. And maybe I look out for him, here and in the field. But I do the same for Wanda. It's just that she's rather a sister than a daughter, now that I think of it."</p>
<p>Despite her explanation, Bucky felt the need to make sure. "So he is not your – <em>our</em> – natural child?"</p>
<p>Natasha smiled at him, but it did not fully reach her eyes. "No, he's not. I promise. So, what were you doing in the lab?"</p>
<p>"Just watching him work on something I barely understand," Bucky answered and followed Natasha down the corridors. "I did the same when I met his father at the front. It interests me. All that stuff people think of to build… It's awesome."</p>
<p>"You're such a nerd," Natasha said but sounded more affectionately. "Maybe you could think of something that especially interests you and we can see whether there's a museum or something we could visit."</p>
<p>Bucky carefully squeezed his hand. "That would be great. Isn't there a Stark Expo sometime soon?"</p>
<p>"There is, yes. I'm not a fan of those but since I'm not babysitting Tony this time we could go if you want to."</p>
<p>Bucky brought her hand up to his lips. "Well, last time I went to an Expo I was shipped off to Europe the next day. So I wouldn't mind a change to that."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Annex</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The developing friendship of Bucky and Sam.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky, Sam, Steve</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Can you move your seat up a bit?" Bucky asked as soon as Steve was out of the car and meeting with Peggy's niece.</p><p>"No."</p><p>Bucky looked up for a second and drew a breath. "Fine," he muttered and moved to his left. Since it looked like they weren't taking Carter Junior in, there was room enough. Or as much room as there could be in a VW Beetle with three grown, buffed up men in it. He didn't understand it, though. Why did Wilson hate him that much? As far as he was concerned, he hadn't met him ever before; although he seemed faintly familiar. And he sure as hell didn't ask him to help him and Steve. It didn't really add up.</p><p>"What did I do to you?" Bucky finally asked, his voice rather quiet. "I really don't understand. I mean, I get it, you're here to help Steve. We don't know each other, so there's no reason for you to help me."</p><p>"You're damn right."</p><p>Steve's return to the car ended their discussion and both tried to be as civil as possible. Still, the question continued to bother Bucky.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Siberia was only a few hours ago, but they had managed to break out their team out of that prison. Well, Steve and Natasha, the red-haired woman that had helped them at the airport, had broken them out. Now they were in a safehouse somewhere behind the Canadian border and tended to their wounds. The archer and the guy that could become really big they had already dropped off. Both had families and an old acquaintance of Natasha's – a blind lawyer – was going to make sure they got deals with the government. Steve was taking care of the witching girl; the men in the prison hadn't been to kind to her and Bucky felt guilty for what she had to endure on his behalf. It was a debt he'd never be able to settle. The soft sound of falling, splashing water gave away that Natasha was still in the bathroom. Bucky and Sam were sitting at the small dining table, the remains of a sparse dinner in front of them.</p><p>There was a deafening silence, until Bucky spoke up. "If we're on the run now, we need to work together. I get you don't like me, for some unknown reason, but I would like to know what it is I should be apologizing for."</p><p>"Unknown reason?" Sam scoffed and leant back in his chair. "Are you serious? Shit, man. You even remember D.C.?"</p><p>Bucky frowned. "I fought Steve on one of those flying thingies?"</p><p>"Yeah. Among other things. You also ripped the steering wheel of my car out through the fucking windshield, crashed said car and tried to kill Cap's boss. Plus, you ripped the wings of my suit and threw me from the helicarrier. <em>And</em> you shot Nat. Not to mention you almost squeezed the life out of her in Berlin. Did I miss anything?"</p><p>Bucky stared at him, his lips slightly apart. There were faint ghosts of memories, barely matching what Sam told him. He hated the Winter Soldier with a burning passion. If he'd never gotten himself caught in the war, if he'd never fallen into Zola's hands in the first place this would have never happened. Instead he would have died, when he fell from the train, just like he should have. Nothing of this should have ever happened.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he said, his voice catching slightly. "I… It's a shitty excuse to say I haven't been myself, but I really am sorry for what I did. And I can only hope to make it up to you again."</p><p>"Well, you won't be able to buy a car in the near future," Sam answered, but there was a slight lightness in his tone. "I already got new wings. And I know you were, well, brainwashed, so that's that. Though I can't really forgive you right now for almost killing Cap. I like that guy."</p><p>"Yeah. Me, too." It wasn't clear whether he meant the part with forgiving himself or liking Steve.</p><p>Sam shrugged. "Well, and concerning Nat, you've gotta clear the air with her yourself."</p><p>"About what?" Natasha joined them at the table, stealing some fries from Steve's plate. Her wet hair clung to her neck and her face told the story of her worries and tiredness. She looked like she could sleep a week.</p><p>"About how he shot and strangled you and that after he ended up between your thighs."</p><p>Bucky almost snorted the water out through his nose and coughed to clear his windpipe. Natasha patted him on the back and rolled her eyes good-naturedly at Sam. "If he dies because of your jokes, you're gonna explain that to Steve," she threatened without any real bite behind it. "And for you, James, don't worry. I know it wasn't your fault and I'm not holding against you when you had no choice. Next time, though, I won't be that considerate. But I wouldn't say no to a round of sparring, if you're up for it. Sam here either goes easy on me or has no skills. I think it's the latter."</p><p>"Hey, now, that was uncalled for." Sam pouted and crossed his arms. "Barnes, help me."</p><p>Bucky shrugged and also took some fries from Steve's plate, only to earn a slap on the back of his hand from Natasha. "Sorry, Wilson, but judging on what I saw when I fought you, I'm with Natasha on that one."</p><p>"Fucking traitor."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"Buck? You sure you don't want a scarf or a hat? It's pretty cold outside and you'll be a while on that rooftop." Steve held a bunched up something in his direction.</p><p>Bucky shook his head. "I'm good."</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"He said he's good, Cap. Leave the man alone, Bucky's old enough." Sam pushed the woolen mess back towards Steve and nodded towards the door. "We'll finish up and meet you outside."</p><p>Steve's gaze flickered between the two men, then he agreed reluctantly. "Alright. Don't take too long, Nat's growing impatient." Then he fastened his helmet and picked up his weapons before he left the tiny apartment they were currently hiding in.</p><p>"Thanks," Bucky mumbled, not lifting his gaze. He knew it would be cold there, even for him, but the thought alone that something would be wrapped around his neck, maybe his lower face…</p><p>"When I was caught and tortured for the first time, I couldn't wear my watch for… phew, I don't know how long. Ages. Still don't like it all the time, to be honest. So, I understand." Sam patted his shoulder and put on his goggles. "Come on, Wolf, we don't want to keep the others waiting."</p><p>"Sam?"</p><p>"Yeah? Sam turned around.</p><p>Bucky met his gaze in all seriousness. "Thank you."</p><p>"For that? No need. Really. That's what friends are for, right?"</p><p>Bucky smiled. "Right."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Test</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An insight in the Winter Soldier's training of and relationship with Natalia.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Winter Soldier/Natalia</p><p>And let me just tell you how grateful I am for all your responses and readings of this collections. I'm so happy you like it :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Soldier's steps were almost inaudible as he prowled through the corridors. He'd found most of the girls already. Most of those had been hidden away sloppily, as if they'd only arrived yesterday at the facility. He almost felt sorry for them, knowing that the Madame would let them pay for it. That was why part of him – a small part that got shut up too often and only awoke when <em>she</em> was involved – wished that he wouldn't find her. The redhead. The girl that touched parts of him he hadn't known existed. Natalia. He had expected her to exceed every expectation, even his own, and he <em>was</em> proud she was last to be found.</p><p>Natalia was trained well. He had searched every room, every corridor within the perimeter of the exercise, but no trace of her yet. No sound, no smell and especially no sight. It was frustrating and infuriating, and still… It also made him afraid for her. It was a foreign feeling, fear. He couldn't remember to have ever encountered it. But with her, a lot was different. He knew what it would mean for her to be that extraordinary. Soon she would accompany him on his missions, then her graduation would be moved up. She was only seventeen now, still half a child. And after her graduation she would be sent out alone, gathering and killing until one day she would be too slow or too careless. Would he be notified? Would he <em>somehow</em> know that he would never hear her laugh again, never feel her soft skin beneath his fingers? Or would he just feel the emptiness she would leave behind, never quite knowing <em>why</em> the world suddenly felt less hopeful?</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Natalia moved slowly in the shadows. She could hear the fights that started when Yasha found one of her sisters, letting her know in which direction not to move. And still she kept near him, following him at a safe distance in the shadows. The way he held his shoulders and walked showed her that he was getting frustrated. If her count was right – and it usually was – she was the last one he had to find. Natalia loved getting under his skin, riling him up; it proved both of them that he wasn't only the Soldier, the Asset, but that he also was a human being.</p><p>She had tried to find out who he was. The way he talked let her think he was American, but she couldn't be sure; aside from a tiny accent, his Russian was flawless. When they practiced English – not that she needed the practice that much – he sometimes used words that sounded old-fashioned. From a different time. But because he didn't know his real name, it was impossible to find <em>anything</em> about him or his past. And with being wiped and frozen regularly, there was no guessing how old he really was. The only thing Natalia was sure of was that he was her Yasha and that she trusted him. He'd never hurt her, at least not while being in his right mind.</p><p>Suddenly, Yasha stopped moving, seemingly listening intently. Natalia held her breath and pressed against the wall. The next access to the vents was too far away and she knew she stood no chance against his hearing at that small distance. The only way was to become one with the shadows. Then, his steps started again, slower this time but still moving away from her. Natalia let out the breath she had been holding. Only ten minutes to go. Ten minutes during which he couldn't find her and everything would be over.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>The Soldier smiled to himself. He was sure he had heard movement behind him and that could only mean, that Natalia was following him around. Maybe she thought the prey could become the predator. Maybe their game would end soon, now. He moved slower than before, intently listening for any sounds that would betray the redhead. He needn't waiting too long. Once he was sure she was close enough to not be able to escape, he turned and pounced, gripping her tightly and pressing her against the cold concrete walls. "Well, little spider… In another setting, overconfidence could get you killed. I thought we went through that enough in training."</p><p>"Maybe it is not overconfidence."</p><p>The Soldier raised an eyebrow at her. His human hand laid on her throat, the metal one pressed her upper body firmly against the wall, while he used his body to make sure she couldn't use her legs to get out of his grip. Her hands were relatively free but there wasn't much she could do with them in her position. "I think it is."</p><p>Of course she couldn't resist rising up to the challenge. He should have known. One minute she met his gaze in challenge, the next she slammed her right fist against his shoulder, right there where metal and flesh met. The Soldier couldn't help to loosen his grip and suddenly he was lying flat on his stomach, the metal arm trapped beneath his body, the other used as leverage against him as Natalia sat on his legs to keep them as trapped as possible.</p><p>He could feel her breath against the shell of his ear as she leant forwards. "You were saying?"</p><p>"You play dirty" he couldn't help but growl. Somehow it hurt that she used her intimate knowledge against him. While they had been lying in the dark, he had told her once of the pains. Never had he thought she would take advantage of those nights.</p><p>"You were the one to teach me there is no playing dirty in fight."</p><p>Of course she was right. It was about success and survival. Still, it hurt more than her punch had and it fed into a fire deep in the pit of his stomach. With a grunt – and using power rather than technique – he freed himself and trapped her beneath him, catching her wrists in a bruising grip. "No. It was <em>dirty</em>."</p><p>Her eyes widened for the fraction of a second. Was that fear he saw? He couldn't be sure but the confusion afterwards was clear as day. "You are hurt." It was not a question. "Yasha… Love is for children."</p><p>"Stop saying that." He didn't know why he was angry. He didn't <em>understand</em>. The Soldier knew he should be proud she was employing every possibility to win, but the part of him that was Yasha felt nothing but a nauseating fury. He felt used.</p><p>A tiny frown appeared over her nose. "Why are you angry?" She didn't even try to fight him now, just tried to understand the situation. He'd never been that angry with her, not even when she made mistakes in training. For once she understood why people were afraid of the Winter Soldier. Then, her eyes darted to his shoulder and her gaze grew soft. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"Are you?" he snapped at her.</p><p>Natalia didn't flinch. "Yes. I shouldn't have done that. Not with you. I didn't think."</p><p>The Soldier didn't answer. Instead he let go of her and stood up. "You're dismissed."</p><p>"Yasha-"</p><p>"<em>Dismissed</em>."</p><p>Natalia's face hardened and she stood straighter. Then she walked past him, her head held high. The Soldier watched her go, trying to get his breathing under control. He still didn't understand why he was so angry. She was important to him, yes. And he would like to think he was important to her, too. It wasn't love. It <em>couldn't be</em> love. Yet still…</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>That night, he tossed and turned in his bed. He knew he had to get his shit together, otherwise his handlers would know that something was off. He would be taken away from the facility and he might never see her again. If he hadn't been awake, he'd probably missed the soft knock at his door. He didn't move. Usually, Natalia would simply slink into his room, not bother knocking. And if it was his handler, the knock would have been different. Louder. Harsher.</p><p>He waited a full five minutes before he moved to the door of his room and opened it. The corridor was empty. On the ground, hidden in the shadows at the doorframe, was a little package, wrapped in paper towels. He threw another suspicious glance around, then he picked it up and brought it inside, again closing the door behind him.</p><p>At the small table he unwrapped it. Inside the paper towels, a single baklava waited for him plus a simple message written in Morse code. <em>I know it's not enough, but I hope it's a start. I'm sorry.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Heal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky regains some of his memories. And yes, it gets mushy. #SorryNotSorry</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky, Shuri, Natasha</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Are you ready?" Shuri looked at him with concern, her hands hovering over the keys that would start the machinery. They had worked long and hard to this day when she would start bringing back his memories. Bucky had insisted they'd only start once the trigger words were deleted completely from his brain. He didn't want to risk an incident, however small. Shuri and T'Challa had already done so much for him, he didn't want to get them into danger.</p><p>Bucky took a deep breath and tried to make himself comfortable. "I'm ready."</p><p>"We could wait for Captain Rogers' return, if you want to."</p><p>"No." Maybe his answer came too quick. "No, I don't want him to see me like this. Or to know what we're up to. He would only worry."</p><p>Shuri nodded at him. "Alright. Try to be open. I don't know yet, how much it will hurt, so I'm sorry in advance."</p><p>Bucky turned his head as far as possible with all the cables to look directly at the young princess. "I trust you. Thank you for agreeing to try it at all."</p><p>The grin she gifted him was much more teenager than regal. "You're my broken white boy. 'Course I'd help you."</p><p>Bucky returned the grin and couldn't help the quiet chuckle. "Love you, too."</p><p>"You're done with being mushy and ready for action?"</p><p>"Yes, ma'am."</p><p>He had <em>not</em> been ready. Bucky hadn't expected the procedure to not hurt, but he couldn't quite suppress the groan. Dear Lord, it <em>hurt</em>. Still, it was necessary. He wanted to regain what he'd lost at HYDRA's hands. Some things had already come back to him after he had pulled Steve out of the river, but he knew there were a lot of things that were burrowed under fake memories and countless mind wipes.</p><p>Shuri kept one eye at him while she constantly monitored the screens that showed his memories. They had agreed to not dig too deep today, just collect what was available to keep the possible damage as small as possible. For the most part, the pictures and short scenes on the screen were blurred. Some looked like childhood scenes, most of those either with a blond boy or two brunette girls and a woman with just the same hair. A man that looked like he could be Bucky's father was only in pictures when the two girls were still infants and toddlers. Scenes in which people were killed appeared way too often. On some his mind dwelled longer than on others but Shuri couldn't make out any differences. And then there was the redhead. Only her hair and eyes were recognizable very clearly and her age changed throughout: from a young teenager to a woman in her early twenties.</p><p>"Stop. Stop it. Shuri!"</p><p>"I'm on it!" Her hands flew over the console while the material of Bucky's chair groaned beneath his hands. "Give me five seconds, I've almost-" Suddenly, the noise of the machine died done and all that could be heard was Bucky's laboured breathing. Shuri dashed over to him and put away the cables as quickly and painless as possible. "How are you?"</p><p>"Fine. Honestly," he added when she raised an eyebrow at him. He couldn't suppress the grin that was forming on his lips and lightened his eyes. "I remember my Ma. And my sisters. I was a big brother. And Steve that little runt; he got in trouble constantly." He put his elbows on his knees and pressed his hands against his head. "There's so much suddenly."</p><p>"I'm sorry. I should have stopped earlier. We wanted to take it slowly, today." Shuri brought him a glass of water which she wrangled in one of his hands and then let a medical scan run over him. Aside from a higher heartrate he seemed more than fine. "Who was the redhead? She was pretty prominent," she asked. Maybe talking about what he remembered would also help regain more of his memories.</p><p>The sound Bucky made was half chuckle, half sob. "Natalia. Though you might know her as Natasha Romanoff."</p><p>"<em>Her</em>? But… how?"</p><p>"I trained her. Oh my, she'll never let me live it down that I forget her. I promised not to after they caught us." Bucky finally looked up, a soft smile on his lips. "I really did see her again. She managed to get away from there without me. Shuri, you'll never know how happy that makes me."</p><p>Shuri couldn't help but return his smile. She pulled one of the chairs closer and sat down. "She was important to you, yes?"</p><p>"Yes. She was… She was the one good thing during a very dark time in a very dark place. There, she was the only person to treat me like a human, not a weapon. And I hurt her. Very much." Suddenly, Bucky's face froze. "I don't even know whether she remembers me."</p><p>Shuri squirmed slightly under his gaze. "Well, you could ask her."</p><p>"I can't exactly call her to ask her. I'm sure you guys got Steve's number but what if they're undercover or infiltrating? It would risk all their lives."</p><p>"No, I meant <em>ask</em> her. Face-to-face. Like, in a few hours."</p><p>"Shuri…"</p><p>"It wasn't me, alright? T'Challa told Captain Rogers that we would work on your memories just in case something went wrong. They should land in about two hours."</p><p>Bucky chuckled and dragged his hand over his face. "I just remember her and you make me talk to her."</p><p>"I don't make you do anything. Frankly, no one could, probably. Not anymore, at least. But maybe you should. You could get surprised."</p><p>Bucky glared at her but there was no real heat in his gaze. "You definitely need a hobby."</p><p>Shuri grinned at him. "I have one already. Stitching together my broken white boys."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Bucky shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he watched the jet land in front of the palace. Anxiousness made his stomach clench and his flesh hand felt sweaty. Did she remember him, too? If so, since when? Already in Odessa? Only after D.C.? Or just recently after their fight in Berlin? He would find out soon enough, probably.</p><p>The jet powered down and the hatch at the rear opened, revealing four figures exiting. Right at the front was Steve. He wasn't exactly running, but he moved as fast as he could without actually jogging. The hug in which he caught Bucky was crushing.</p><p>"I'm fine, punk. I'm good." Still Bucky returned the hug as tightly as he could.</p><p>"What do you remember?"</p><p>"Not all. Not even an awful lot. But it's coming back, piece by piece. Shuri's helping me. Today was just the start."</p><p>"I missed you, Buck."</p><p>"Missed you, too." Bucky grinned. "At least as long you don't make me slide down a cable to land on a train. That was no fair trade-off for Cony Island."</p><p>Steve chuckled. "If you say so, jerk."</p><p>Bucky let go of him and over Steve's shoulder he noticed Natalia. He couldn't look away. Her hair was blonde now and only reached to her chin; a far call from the luscious red waterfall he remembered. Still, her eyes were the same and he could pinpoint the exact moment she noticed how he looked at her. A mask slid tightly into place, shielding her emotions from the outside world. He could have looked at a statue just as well. Not even her eyes gave anything away now.</p><p>She stepped closer and nudged Steve in the ribs. "I think I need to borrow your buddy for a while. Now that he might remembers shooting me, I've got a bone to pick."</p><p>"Nat-"</p><p>"Don't worry, Rogers, I'll bring him back unharmed. I swear on Sam's not-so-secret chocolate stash."</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>Steve nodded, albeit hesitantly. "If that's okay with you, Buck?"</p><p>"Sure." Bucky nodded but a part of him dreaded the conversation that would follow. Maybe she did remember him but she'd never felt that way for him. Maybe his memory was faulty. Maybe he only imagined the loving glances and touches in the darkness of his quarters. The smiles on missions.</p><p>Natalia jerked her head and started to walk towards to gardens. Bucky followed without a word. They kept walking until they were well out of sight and out of earshot and then still they walked a few steps further until Natalia turned around, weight on one leg and arms crossed as if she was protecting herself. And maybe she was. "So you remember me."</p><p>"Probably not all." Bucky felt that honesty was his best chance here. "But enough to know what were where. Or at least what you were to me during our time in the Red Room."</p><p>"And what was I to you?"</p><p>"The only person to teat me like a human being. To care for me. You were the only light in my darkness there. And you weren't afraid of my darkness. We…" Bucky gulped but refused to avert his eyes. "We dreamed of running away. Starting new somewhere where we could be anyone. At least I know I dreamt of it." Bucky took a deep breath. "Who was I to you?"</p><p>"That you're asking, you idiot?" Natalia's voice didn't waver but emotions swam in her eyes, her mask cracking.</p><p>Bucky returned her gaze and dared to make a step towards her. "Who am I to you now?"</p><p>"I don't know." Now her voice did break and Bucky wanted nothing more to hold her close. "It's so long ago. I grew up since then and I'm not that girl anymore. But when we met in Odessa and you didn't recognize me… It broke my heart."</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>"It wasn't your fault." Natalia drew a deep breath. "I hoped and dreaded you would recognize me. But not even in Berlin was there even a flicker of recognition. And now that you do, I don't know what to do."</p><p>Bucky made another step towards her. "Tell me what I can do to make it better."</p><p>Instead of answering, Natalia closed the distance and hugged him tightly, pressing her cheek against his torso. "I'd never thought I'd ever be able to hold you again."</p><p>"Me neither," he mumbled, burrowing his nose in her hair and pulled her even closer. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to get to know you again. Maybe take you out for dinner. You decide. There is no need to rush. But I for my part don't think my feelings have changed."</p><p>Natalia didn't answer. She raised her gaze until it met his eyes. Almost as if in trance, she lifted her hand and fleetingly touched his cheek. Then, she moved her hand towards his neck and up into his hair. Next thing Bucky knew, her lips were pressed against his. "We'll figure it out," she finally mumbled, a soft smile on her lips. "I missed you."</p><p>"I'm glad I remember you." He was still anxious about how it would play out in the end; at the same time, he felt calmer than he had in years.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Puzzle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Natasha acts weirdly and Bucky needs to find out what's going on.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky/Natasha, Bruce</p><p>This is the start of a mini series in this collection. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Only little light from the city outside filtered through the curtains into their bedroom. James blinked blearily, trying to get the sleep out of his eyes. His gaze found the alarm clock and its illuminated red numbers showed the time: only barely two in the morning. Still not really awake, James pulled the woman in front of him closer, his right hand resting on her stomach, until he remembered why he was awake in the first place. He nuzzled her hair and pressed a kiss to her shoulder. "You good?"</p><p>"I didn't mean to wake you," Natasha answered quietly, gently drawing circles on his hand with her thumb. "Go back to sleep."</p><p>"Not an answer." James yawned. "What keeps you up? Nightmares?" His voice was low and thick with sleep but he willed himself to be alert.</p><p>Natasha brought his hand to her face and kissed his palms. "Just thoughts. I'm good. Go back to sleep, James. You've just returned from a mission."</p><p>"Mhmm. Missed you."</p><p>"Missed you, too." Natasha turned in his embrace and James flopped on his back so she could use his torso as her pillow and threw her arms around him.</p><p>James held her tightly and pressed another kiss to her hair. Soon enough, he fell asleep again.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"Morning." Natasha wrinkled her nose as she stepped into the kitchen.</p><p>"Good morning." James stirred the scrambled eggs while grinning at her. "Sleep well after all? Normally you'd be already up and running."</p><p>"Yeah, I'm still a bit tired." Natasha made her way over to the coffee machine and got up on her tiptoes to peck James on his cheek as she passed him. Smelling the eggs, she frowned. "Did you check whether they were still good?"</p><p>James cocked his head in question at her as she filled her favourite mug with coffee. "Yeah, they are fresh. Why? Smelling funny?" He raised the pan to his nose but couldn't detect anything wrong.</p><p>"Maybe I'm not fully awake yet." Natasha sipped her coffee and leant against the counter only to put the mug down again. "Come to think of it, maybe I lay off coffee today, too."</p><p>James put the pan off the heat and turned towards Natasha, worry etched on his face. "Are you feeling sick? You have temperature?" Without waiting for her answer, he felt her forehead. "Seems normal. Did you eat something funny before I arrived yesterday?"</p><p>"I cannot get sick, in case you forgot," Natasha reminded him softly. "I'm just still a bit tired. Running that organisation with Pepper isn't a piece of cake and there's lots to do at the studio lately. Just because I'm off active duty doesn't mean I've got time to be lazy."</p><p>"I know." James brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm just worried, that's all. It's not like you to refuse coffee."</p><p>Natasha rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "If it helps, I can talk to Bruce later, let him run some tests while you're getting debriefed."</p><p>James raised an eyebrow at her. "Not fighting getting checked out by medical? You sure you're okay?"</p><p>Natasha punched him in the shoulder and moved to the sink to clear away her coffee. "Maybe I'm just grown up. You know, making the sensible choices and all that." She rinsed out her mug and moved to the cabinet that held their small tea collection, looking for something that would calm her stomach.</p><p>"You don't make the sensible choice. I'm living prove," James replied softly and touched her back while getting the scrambled eggs as far away from her as possible. "Just tell me if there's something I can do for you, yes?"</p><p>"I will." She smiled at him over her shoulder. "I'll call Bruce, let him know that I'm coming along. Enjoy your breakfast."</p><p>James couldn't help the cheeky grin. "Must be the first time you're not stealing any food from me." The pillow to his head only made him laugh.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Debriefing had taken longer than James had anticipated. He hated those with a burning passion. Steve took over most of the talking so that the only thing he had to do was sit around, wait and chime in when it was about something he had seen or heard. He'd rather have stayed home with Natasha or watched her tutor those little girls in her studio, teaching them ballet and self-defence. Sometimes, it reminded him of another studio, of another training. But then he saw the joy on both the kids and Natasha's faces and the illusion vanished.</p><p>After grabbing a coffee with Steve and talking about his new bike – really he <em>had</em> to get one of his own these days – and after he still hadn't heard from Natasha, he made his way to the big lab he knew Banner was working in. Maybe they were already done and caught up in talking about the old times, too.</p><p>The door to the lab was closed, which wasn't that much out of the ordinary. The fact that is was locked, on the other hand, gave James pause. This was unusual. Or were they in med bay? He glimpsed through the glass. No, there they were. Chatting. Or… arguing? James frowned and rapped his knuckles against the glass.</p><p>Natasha and Bruce looked up, one looking almost panicked, the other resigned. A quiet <em>beep</em> indicated that the door was unlocked now. Still, James was hesitant to enter. Somehow, he felt like intruding.</p><p>Bruce finally came over to open the door, playing nervously with the glasses in his hands. "We've just wrapped up."</p><p>James noticed that Natasha was evading his gaze and instead focused back on Bruce. "Everything alright?"</p><p>"Yeah, yeah. Just, you know-"</p><p>"I upset my stomach somehow," Natasha chimed in and sauntered over to them. She almost seemed normal. Almost. "I'll have to take it slow the next few days. Did Steve tell you about his new bike?"</p><p>"Yeah, he, uhm… He did. Got me thinking about getting one of my own. Can't always ride with you."</p><p>Natasha smirked at him. "Why? Afraid to not seem badass enough?"</p><p>"No. But your bike's too small for me and you drive like you're insane," James explained and threw an arm around her shoulders. Then he looked back at Bruce. "Thanks for checking her. Sorry it was so short notice."</p><p>"No problem. Really." The scientist gave him a fleeting smile. "Just call if you need any help, Nat."</p><p>"Sure. Come on, Soldier. Let's go looking for a bike of your own."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"How long did Bruce say it's gonna take?" James asked, his voice slightly raised to carry through the closed bathroom door. He worked hard to keep the worry out of his voice. For the better part of two weeks, Natasha had been throwing up in the mornings and slept more than usual. By now, he didn't know anymore what to do or how to help her.</p><p>The flush of the toilet and the faucet running forecasted Natasha opening the door. She looked pale and exhausted as she leant against the doorframe. "About three months, was his guessing. If I lucked out." As soon as the words left her mouth, her expression changed from exhausted, to scared, to carefully neutral.</p><p>James cocked his head and met her gaze intensely. "Three months? Doesn't sound like an upset stomach to me."</p><p>"You know how it is. Alien biotech weapons, that Chinese you now you shouldn't eat but do either way…"</p><p>"Nat." He grabbed her upper arm when she tried to breeze past him. "Please, talk to me. What's going on?"</p><p>"James-"</p><p>"No, Nat. Look." James sighed as he scrambled for words. "I trust you. I do. But you're clearly in pain and it hurts to see you like that."</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>"Don't be. Just… Just tell me what's wrong."</p><p>Natasha scoffed but it sounded dangerously close to something more tearful. Of course, her eyes stayed dry. "Funny you'd phrase it like that." She took a shuddering breath and met his gaze, her face still a mask of neutrality. James had learned to hate that mask but he understood that it was her way of dealing with overwhelming intel. "You know what they did to me in the Red Room. After they separated us?"</p><p>"You were forced to graduate." Anger still boiled within him whenever he thought about it but for Natasha's sake he stayed as calm as possible.</p><p>"And… you know what that entails, right?"</p><p>James balled his hands to fists without thinking about it. "Yes," he pressed out.</p><p>A soft smile flickered over Natasha's face and she fleetingly touched the back of his hand. "And you know about the version of the super soldier serum the Red Room concocted and gave to its graduates?"</p><p>"Yeah, but… what has that to do with anything?"</p><p>Natasha took his hand and lead him over to the armchair and gently coaxed him to sit while taking a seat on the arm rest, his hand still in hers. "The serum was not as strong as the one you or Steve received. My injuries heal quicker than let's say Clint's but still take more time than yours. But eventually it heals everything."</p><p>"What are you implying?" James asked quietly. He didn't even try to hide his confusion, which only grew when Natasha placed his hand on her abdomen. Then it took another half a minute for understanding dawning. "You're kidding."</p><p>"Afraid not." She sounded hesitant, as if she didn't know how to place his reaction.</p><p>James turned his body towards her, eyes flitting between her face and his hand on her body. "But how? I mean…"</p><p>"If I need to explain that, James-"</p><p>"Oh, shut up." James looked up at her, a big grin on his face. "I can't believe it. This is… It's awesome."</p><p>"So, you… You think we should keep it? Try and be parents?"</p><p>"Of course! I mean…" James took a deep breath and tried to contain his excitement. "Only if you're up for it, too. But why not? It's not a chance we ever dreamed we could have. Not even in Russia."</p><p>"I'm scared." Her voice was so quiet that James almost didn't hear her even with his enhanced hearing.</p><p>He smiled softly and moved his hands to cup her face. "Me, too. But I just know we'll be fine. And that little bug would of course explain the morning sickness." He kissed her gently. "What did Bruce say, everything alright?"</p><p>"As alright as he could tell. I'm not that far along." Natasha smiled involuntarily. "You sure you ready to be a dad?"</p><p>"As ready as I'll ever be."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Anguish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky gets seriously hurt.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CN: mentions of injuries, fear, anxiety</p><p>Characters: Bucky/Natasha, Clint, Steve</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Natasha knew something was wrong the moment Steve was calling her. He should be with James on a mission and if something went wrong or they would need to take longer, it would be James calling her. Except if he was too hurt to do so. Natasha could feel her heart racing and she took longer than usual to calm her heartbeat again.</p><p>"Steve?"</p><p>"Nat," Steve sounded tired, exhausted. Defeated, even. "You're sitting?"</p><p>"Tell me what the hell's going on." There was no bite in her voice, only fear; unconsciously her hand went to her stomach.</p><p>"Good, short version then. Mission gone south, shitty intel. Buck and I were outnumbered, we got separated. When I found him, he had been shot, bones broken and was unconscious. He almost bled out on the way to HQ. His serum doesn't work like it should. People are taking care of him, he's being operated as we speak."</p><p>"He's alive?" Natasha wasn't sure whether Steve had heard her.</p><p>"Yes." Steve sighed softly. "I've already sent Clint to pick you up. You shouldn't be driving. He'll make it through, Nat. Buck's stubborn like that." He was quiet for a moment, his steps echoing through the halls he was pacing. "You want me to stay on the phone with you until Clint's there?"</p><p>"Yes." Natasha wanted to curl up into a tiny ball but she knew she had to get moving. She wanted to leave as soon as possible once Clint was there. So she went to exchange the pants she wore for sleeping for a jeans Laura hat lent her which waistband had been replaced with soft, stretchy fabric. She also pulled on one of James' shirts. He would always act so annoyed when he saw her with them but sooner or later he'd always smile that smile only she got to see.</p><p>"Did I ever tell you how Buck brought in money after his dad died?" Steve suddenly asked.</p><p>Natasha stopped for a moment putting on her shoes. "No. How?"</p><p>"Well, it <em>was</em> true he worked at the docks to make an honest living. You know, lifting crates and such. But it wasn't long until he heard of the fights that were happening in the night. Boxing, to be precise. He reckoned he saved me from enough fights in back alleys to stand a decent chance. Well, he got his ass whipped." Steve chuckled lightly. "His Ma was furious when she found out. But he wouldn't stop. Was convinced to bring home good money. And he became better. By the time the USA joined the war, he was training at a real gym and was a three-time YMCA welterweight boxing champion. And that jerk had been right. He <em>had</em> been making good money with it. Even spend two weeks trying to teach me enough so I could defend myself once he got shipped off. Needless to say, those weeks were wasted on me."</p><p>"He never told me that."</p><p>"Maybe he doesn't remember that detail. Or he was just too embarrassed to tell you he got his ass handed to him early in the career."</p><p>Natasha chuckled softly. "Yeah, that might be it. How are you holding up?"</p><p>Steve scoffed. "Oh you know me. Hanging there."</p><p>"Don't beat yourself up about it. You hear me, Steve? It wasn't your fault." Natasha knew that someone had to tell him.</p><p>"You weren't there, Nat, you-"</p><p>"I know you. Both of you. It was not your fault."</p><p>Steve sighed. "How about you tell me that again once you've seen him?"</p><p>"I will." The doorbell rang. "Look out for him 'til I get there, alright? I think Clint's here. Hang in there, Steve."</p><p>"You, too, Nat. Take care. Of both of you."</p><p>"Clint'll take care I don't do anything stupid. See you there." Natasha hung up, finished tying her shoelaces and finally opened the door.</p><p>Clint was waiting there, his hair slightly dishevelled, in that checkered flannel shirt he loved so much. "Hey. Ready to go?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>He nodded. Clint knew it wasn't the right time to offer a hug; Nat would come to him once she was ready. Instead he nodded to his car. "Got a bag of snacks and some soda for the waiting time. Nothing with caffeine and nothing with too much sugar. Some fruits, too. Don't want my niece to suffer from bad nutrition."</p><p>"You don't know whether it's a girl or a boy. <em>We</em> don't even know." Natasha followed to his car and got in on the passenger's side.</p><p>"I know such thing. I'm a dad!"</p><p>"That doesn't make you all-knowing. That's not how it works."</p><p>Clint scoffed. "Of course it is." He glanced at her while he drove faster than he was allowed to. "You okay?"</p><p>"Numb," Natasha answered. "Which is a good thing, because otherwise I might be freaking out. I guess I can't believe yet that he got seriously hurt. James is… James always seemed indestructible. Already in the Red Room. He got shot and he got hurt, yes, but… What Steve told me…"</p><p>"Hey." Clint reached over to take her hand. "He'll be fine, okay? There's no way he's missing getting to know his kid."</p><p>"I hope you're right." Natasha returned the squeeze then looked out of the window to see the nightly city rushing by. "He thinks the same as you, by the way. James. That the kid's a girl. He calls it Amy."</p><p>"Amy, huh? Nice name. Gonna stick with it if it really is a girl?"</p><p>Natasha was silent. Would she stay if Amy if James shouldn't make it? A reminder to what she lost? Or a reminder to who she had? "Perhaps," was all she answered.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>When they reached headquarters, Clint immediately brought her to med bay. "Come on, we'll wait here until they get him out of surgery," he said quietly, directing her to an empty room. "Might take some time but I've got nowhere to be."</p><p>"No, Clint. I got to see him. Please."</p><p>Clint grabbed her arm and shook his head. "It won't be pretty. You know that. I don't think-"</p><p>"I <em>need</em> to see him." Natasha shook him off. "I need to see he's still…"</p><p>"Alive?" Clint asked softly. "C'mere." He didn't expect Natasha to sob at his shoulder, but he needed her to know that she wasn't alone in that. "I'll bring you there but if I see it's too much, I'm getting you out. Do you understand? I <em>will</em> sedate you if I have to."</p><p>"Understood." Her voice was muffled against is shoulder.</p><p>"Good. Then come on."</p><p>The few people still around made room for them instantly as they walked towards the operating rooms. In front of them, Steve was waiting. He was still in his battle gear and covered in soot, dirt and blood, elbows propped on his knees and head hanging low. When he heard their steps, he looked up. Natasha almost wished he hadn't.</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>"Hey yourself." Natasha moved closer towards the glass that separated her from the operating room. There he was, lying on the table. She almost couldn't see the wounds because of all the blood. A monitor showed his heartrate that seemed to get weaker with every minute Natasha was staring. "Why isn't he healing?"</p><p>"Maybe too many injuries at once and the serum doesn't know where to start. Maye… maybe the bullets were laced with something. Lab's onto it," Steve supplied quietly from behind her.</p><p>"Then they should work faster!"</p><p>"They're doing what they can, Nat. Everyone is."</p><p>Natasha's answer got swallowed by the loud beeping and frantic movements of the doctors. "No. No, no, please. Please." Natasha was hitting the glass until Clint wrapped his arms around her middle and pulled her away. Natasha struggled against him until Steve pinned her; she stood no chance against his strength, still she fought it. She <em>had</em> to get to James. He couldn't die on her, not like that. Not now. What was she supposed to do without him? He could not-</p><p>Suddenly, everything went dark around her.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>When she woke up, it was in a small room. Clint who had been sitting by her side went alert instantly.</p><p>"James, is he-"</p><p>"He's alright. I promise, Nat, I'm not lying to you. They managed to restart his heart and finish operating. Lab found out that the bullets were laced with… Man, I can't pronounce it. <em>Something</em>, and they are working on something to counter it. Until then, he's body has to heal the old-fashioned way." He smiled softly at her. "He'll live. And I'm sorry for putting you under but we needed to get you out of there."</p><p>"Can I see him?"</p><p>Clint gestured to the wheelchair close to the bed. "I'm nothing if not prepared."</p><p>Entering the room James had been brought in, Natasha's breath hitched. It was only the faint raising of his chest that indicated him being alive. Aside from that, he was completely still. Clint rolled her to his right side; Natasha noticed that they had removed his metal arm. "I'm leaving you to it," Clint said quietly. "Call if you need anything." He squeezed her shoulder before he left the room.</p><p>Natasha rolled even closer and carefully took James' hand in her own, mindful of all the sensors and IVs that were keeping him alive for the moment. "You're such an idiot," she mumbled. "My idiot, but still. One last mission, my ass. Don't ever scare me like that again, you hear me? You need to get better. You want to meet Amy, don't you? I need you to hand in there and come back."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>Natasha hadn't noticed falling asleep and only startled awake when she felt James' hand twitching as he groaned in pain. "That was fast," a third voice mentioned mildly surprised.</p><p>"Bruce?"</p><p>"Yeah, hi. We might have managed to neutralise whatever put his serum out of effect and I thought I'd give it to him as soon as possible to help the healing. Might still take a while until he's up to full speed." Bruce smiled at her, then proceeded to light into James' eyes and check his vitals. "Though this is working faster than anticipated."</p><p>"No kidding," James rasped and coughed, his lips bloody.</p><p>"Yeah, no talking for you right now. Your lungs, among other things, were a bloody mess and they stitched it back together as good as they could. Still, I'd appreciate if you tried and not ruin their work for a few hours more."</p><p>"Don't know whether he can shut up for that long." Natasha smiled relieved and squeezed his hand. "You scared me good, Soldier."</p><p><em>Sorry</em>, he tapped slowly against the mattress. <em>No intention</em>.</p><p>"I know. Get better first, then you can make it up again. Deal?"</p><p>
  <em>Deal.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Eden</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky, Steve and Sam prepare the nursery and Bucky needs to ask Natasha something important.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky/Natasha, Steve, Sam</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James smiled involuntarily as he opened the bucket and bright, yellow paint greeted him. He couldn't wait to get started. As soon as they had learned the date of Amy's arrival, both Natasha and he had agreed to turn the little office into the nursery. No one had used it as an office, anyway. But there had been so much to do and prepare, there had never been time to paint it or assemble the furniture. Now, that Natasha looked as if she'd swallowed a small planet, James had sent her away with Laura for the day to relax. She was way too worried about the things that could go wrong that she deserved some time to relax with someone who could address her fears and talk with her about it. James thought that she needed an experienced mother for that and who better than Laura Barton? Of course he was worried, too, but he dealt with it his way.</p><p>"Yellow?" Sam asked and raised and eyebrow. "That's almost painfully cheery."</p><p>"Oh, shut it." James thrust a paint roller in his hands. "We didn't want any pink on the walls."</p><p>Steve smirked at him. "Oh, it's <em>we</em> now. Be careful, Sam. Now, that they're parents, they'll be one of those couples."</p><p>James narrowed his eyes. "You're here to talk shit or to help?"</p><p>"Aaww, don't be like that, Winter Boo Bear." Sam ducked in time to not be hit by the paintbrush. "Alright, I'll stop. For now."</p><p>Steve coked his head as he stood in front of one of the walls. "You want me to do something specific? Or just paint something?"</p><p>James put an old baseball cap on his head and turned to look at him. "You showed me some sketches. I liked them all, Nat favourited the forest. You know, the one with the deer at the meadow? But the space one was pretty cool, too. But really, do what you like. Just… something peaceful."</p><p>Steve smiled at him. "You got it."</p><p>"How comes Cap is allowed to paint a whole masterpiece and I only get yellow paint?"</p><p>"Cause you can't draw to save your life, Wilson," James answered and started painting, too. "Besides, I need someone to help me with the furniture afterwards. And Stevie over there wouldn't get a screwdriver from me if he begged."</p><p>Steve sighed bit continued to sketch his painting with pencil. "That was one time, Buck. One. And still you drag it up every possibility you get."</p><p>"Drag up what?"</p><p>"Nothing."</p><p>James grinned at Sam. "When we moved in together, we got another pair of chairs and a table. My, uhm, family wasn't hit as hard by the Great Depression, so we could afford it. Plus, I worked at the docks, so money wasn't as tight. That punk over there decided to assemble the furniture alone. Turned out, the chairs supported his scrawny ass but nothing more. My ass hurt for a few days afterwards."</p><p>Sam erupted in laughter that he had to support himself against the freshly painted wall. "That's awesome. That's… that's gold, really. But yeah, I understand why you don't want him to assemble the crib."</p><p>"It wasn't <em>me</em>," Steve interjected. "The screws couldn't be pulled any tighter."</p><p>"They could, Steve. Just not by you back then. Which isn't a bad thing, but I'm not taking any chances. So shut your cakehole and paint."</p><p>Steve saluted. "Yessir, Sergeant Barnes, sir."</p><p>Sam only shook his head. "Can't believe you haven't killed him yet."</p><p>"Not like I didn't try," James answered with a shrug. "He's just really hard to kill."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>The bickering continued until all but one wall were painted yellow. Steve was still at work, but the scene started to take shape stroke by careful stroke. James cracked his neck and turned to Sam. "We start to assemble the furniture?"</p><p>"Sure, as long as we don't push them against the walls it should be fine. What you've got?"</p><p>James pushed the cap back to wipe his forehead. "Crib, obviously. A wardrobe, a changing table and a little cabinet for storing diapers and the like. And a rocking chair."</p><p>"A rocking chair."</p><p>James smiled bashfully and shrugged. "I know my Ma had one in the room for my little sisters. She would sit in it after feeding and rock them to sleep. I don't know how often I saw her like that. And that chair was originally my Nanny's. Maybe Amy wants to have it one day."</p><p>"A rocking chair it is." Sam nodded and scratched his head. "To not be in Steve's way, I guess we should start with the crib and stuff and keep the wardrobe for later. Guess we need room for that one."</p><p>"Probably best." James nodded. "How 'bout I bring the stuff for the crib and you get us a round of beer, Sam?"</p><p>Sam's whole face lit up. "Now you're speaking. I hope the pizza afterwards wasn't just a trick, either."</p><p>"Nah. I know you and Steve only help because of the free food."</p><p>"And because we're scared of Nat," Steve added without stopping painting and Sam nodded. "Yeah, that."</p><p>James shook his head in amusement and headed to the garage where they'd stored all the furniture for the nursery. After opening the door to the garage, he leant against a wall and took out his phone.</p><p>
  <em>Did we get enough colour for you boys to play?</em>
</p><p>James smiled at the message. <em>So far it's only on the wall. Starting with the furniture now.</em></p><p>It didn't take long for Natasha to answer. <em>Do I get pictures?</em></p><p>
  <em>Not before it's done.</em>
</p><p>An emoji with big, wide, teary eyes introduced her response. <em>And if I say pretty please?</em></p><p>
  <em>Nope. Surprise, remember?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Fine. Still love you, btw.</em>
</p><p>James smiled softly. <em>Love you, too. Have fun and give my regards to Laura, yes?</em></p><p><em>Sure.</em> There was a pause, but the blinking dots told him Natasha was still typing. <em>Greetings to the boys, by the way. Laura says, Clint's bummed he couldn't help.</em></p><p>
  <em>We let him babysit to make it up, no big deal.</em>
</p><p>He received a laughing emoji as response. James grinned, put his phone back and picked up the first packet to carry it upstairs. Sam and Steve were sitting in front of Steve's wall, looking at the painting and sipping from their beers. The painting wasn't done yet, but James could already tell that it would be Steve's best work. He was grateful his friend was doing this. The nursery would have been nice enough without it but he appreciated the work immensely.</p><p>"And there he is." Sam traded the packet for another can of beer and started to open it. The cardboard revealed dark, warm wood in lots of individual parts. "Alright, let the fun begin so that we're finished until Nat's back so we have something to show her."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>It took them another three to four hours, until everything was done. They had barely sat done with the pizza in the living room when a key turned in the front door and Natasha entered. She looked exhausted, but happy and smiled when she saw the three men splayed on their sofa and armchair.</p><p>"Had a good day?" James asked and smiled when she took a slice of pizza and sat down next to him after pushing Steve's leg off the sofa.</p><p>"Yeah. But I'm hungry as hell."</p><p>"Dig in." Sam grinned at her. "Though I'd say you'd already had lots of it by the look."</p><p>Natasha rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "You know, Wilson, there's a fine line between being charming and being a dick."</p><p>"She's not wrong." Steve grabbed another slice. "How's Laura?"</p><p>"Good. She wanted to see the nursery, but there was an emergency at the farm. Something with Clint and shingles," Natasha answered around a mouth full of pizza. "Nothing serious, don't worry. But she'll visit next week with the family. Maybe we could barbecue?"</p><p>"Sounds good." James nodded and gently rubbed his hand up and down her back. He was glad to see her having relax a bit. The estimated day of birth wasn't that far off anymore and both knew that it wouldn't get easier anytime soon afterwards. "Wanna see what we did?"</p><p>"Sure." She turned to smile at both Steve and Sam. "Thank you for the help and keeping him company."</p><p>"Aw, you know me, Nat. I got free food <em>and</em> beer; for that, I'll babysit your boyfriend anytime." Sam grinned at her and she couldn't help but return it.</p><p>James helped her up by pulling her to her feet, then he grabbed her hand and led her upstairs while Steve and Sam stayed behind to give them that moment. "Ready?" James almost whispered and only when Natasha nodded did he open the door and flick on the light. On the right wall stood the wardrobe besides the changing table and the cabinet. At the far side, just next to the big windows, they had placed the rocking chair with a soft blanket on it. The crib was placed on the left side, in front of Steve's painting. It showed a peaceful scenery, with a family of deer grazing in a meadow. The trees fanned out to the sides and transitioned upwards until the wall was filled with a colourful but somehow subdued painting of the galaxy that stretched onto part of the ceiling. James watched with a soft smile as Natasha gasped and couldn't tear her eyes away. "You like it?"</p><p>Natasha nodded. "It's beautiful."</p><p>James wrapped her in an embrace from behind and kissed her shoulder blade. "Now we only have to wait."</p><p>"Yeah." Natasha smiled and placed his hand on her belly so he could feel their daughter kicking. "Think she can't wait to see it."</p><p>"Well, she better does. Don't want her to arrive too early."</p><p>Natasha's gaze travelled to the crib and she stepped nearer to carefully touch the mobile mounted to the headboard. Whales, dolphins and turtles, all made out of felt and seemingly hand sewn. "Where does that come from?"</p><p>James stepped beside her and placed one hand on the frame of the crib, the soft wood smooth under his hand. "A gift from Sam's Ma. She made one for every one of her kids and those of Sam's siblings. Since he's basically family, she decided to make one for Amy, too. You like it?"</p><p>"I love it." She smiled over her shoulder at James, her face positively glowing. "When the Bartons come over, Laura'll be bringing some baby clothes from Nate. She said especially in the first months we don't need to buy anything new 'cause she'll outgrow it that fast. We could keep what we like."</p><p>"That's really thoughtful of her. I need to thank her anyway for getting you out for the day. You look like you really needed that."</p><p>"Maybe I did. We talked a lot and she managed to put me at ease about a lot of things." Natasha turned to raise on her toes to kiss James. "I'm looking forward to this. Us. Being parents."</p><p>James smiled against her lips and placed his hands on her hips so to help her keep her balance. "Me, too. Will you finally let me put a ring on you?"</p><p>"Still afraid I might one day wake up and recognize my mistake of getting involved with you?"</p><p>"No." James chuckled. "But I want to do right by you. I know it's an old-fashioned notion and it's not the forties anymore but I was raised like that. And I don't care whether you'll bear my name or keep yours or whatever. I just-"</p><p>"Yes," Natasha breathed.</p><p>James' eyes lit up. "Yes?"</p><p>"Yes. But we'll have to wait until I fit in a dress again. Pepper would be so disappointed if she couldn't take me dress shopping."</p><p>James cradled her face in his hands, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs. "Fine by me," he answered, his voice slightly hoarse. "Damn, I don't have a ring on me now. Never thought you'd suddenly say yes."</p><p>Natasha laughed. "I don't care. I'm not marrying you for the ring, you know?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Dog</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky befriends a stray.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky, Steve, Bruce, a dog</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky didn't like staying at HQ. He knew people were reluctant to leave him wandering around – and who could blame them? – especially since some politicians were still out for his blood. But he felt caged. Steve and that Wilson guy spend time with him, even if it was just watching a movie quietly. But those guys had other stuff to do, too. While Thor seemed a nice enough guy, he was sometimes too loud for him to stand. Romanoff spent lots of time dealing with the Accords and lawyers, though every now and again she would spar with him so he could let off some steam. Barton also tried to help him feel at ease, but he spent too much time with his family to really have an effect. As for Banner, Bucky recognized him being dangerous on an instinctive level even before he heard from the Big Guy and Stark understandably kept his distance. The programming might have been broken but to earn the trust of those guys it was still a long way.</p><p>That's how Bucky found himself walking the perimeter, hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie. It was one of those days when he wondered whether Steve had made the right call believing in him and getting him to the States to get help. While most of the times he was glad Steve was as stubborn as he was, it was sometimes hard to see the silver lining of it all. What was he supposed to do once he was allowed to move freely again? Join SHIELD? Join the Avengers? Just get back to Romania, trying to get a life? He wasn't even sure what he liked to do anymore.</p><p>A metallic clatter and yelp made Bucky look up. Without him noticing at first, his body assumed a fighting stance, hand flying to his back where his gun would have been – if he had been allowed to carry one, that is. Still, he was more dangerous than most people and if anyone was dump enough to try and sneak onto the perimeter, he was a force to be reckoned with.</p><p>However, what he found was not what he expected. Between the bins, hastily gulping down something that once might have been ham or something, hunched a yellowish, filthy dog, that immediately growled when he noticed the man approaching. Bucky lost the tension in his stance and crouched down at a safe distance to seem as none threatening as possible. The dog kept his teeth bared for a while longer, then the hunger won out. Still, he flinched at every move of Bucky's.</p><p>Bucky gaze softened involuntarily. The dog was thinner than he'd thought and probably more scared than really volatile. After a while, he sat down, gaze averted. If the dog trusted him, Bucky might be able to get him some good food, somehow. "You're out on your own for a while, huh?" he said quietly and ignored the soft growl. "Yeah, know that feeling. I'd love to help you, buddy, but I guess I'll make one wrong move and got your teeth embedded in my hand faster than I can look. Just hope for you you'd choose the right hand. Literally." Bucky chuckled softly. "You really don't look like you've got someone looking out for you. There's no neighbourhood around here, exactly. Or… did someone even leave you here? Really? That's so messed up. I don't know why people are doing that." The dog's ears twitched and he sniffed around the bins a bit more, before he bounded away. Bucky sighed and looked after him. "Take care."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>When Bucky got outside the following weeks, he always made sure to be carrying something edible. Of course he noticed the worried to asking looks the others threw his way when he stuffed his pockets with sausage, cheese and ham but he ignored them. More often than not he ate it himself but sometimes he met the dog again and left pieces of the food for the dog to find. After some time, it had the courage to come closer and closer, but Bucky had not yet been able to pet it. To himself, Bucky had decided to call him Sarge, because he could relate to the dog on some level. Plus, he needed a name.</p><p>Sarge scarfed down whatever Bucky threw him as quickly as any vacuum cleaner Stark could come up with. He made a show of not looking expectantly, but Bucky had caught him wagging his tail the tiniest bit and it had really made his day. He was aware that Sarge came for the food, not for the company, but that wouldn't keep him from enjoying spending time with him any less.</p><p>Bucky kept talking to him. Sometimes telling him about his day or the people he lived with. Sometimes he told him about back in the day, at least the parts he remembered. About how he took girls out to have a good time. How he saved Stevie from back alley fights. How he braided his sister's hair when their mother had already left the house in the morning and it was up to him to get her to school. How scared he was when he was drafted into the army. He'd never wanted to join the army; he just wanted to have a good life.</p><p>Bucky knew that at least Steve kept an eye on him whenever he spent too long outside but so far he hadn't approached him about Sarge. He was glad about that. So far he didn't know whether he wanted someone to know about that; he liked that feeding and hopefully befriending Sarge was the one thing after the programming had been broken that he chose for himself. Somehow, that made it so much more precious.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>That day, it looked like Sarge wouldn't turn up again. A worried frown marred Bucky' face. Over the last weeks, they had established some sort of shaky routine. But now Sarge was a few days late. Of course, everything could be the reason for that but Bucky couldn't help but be worried. He was already turning to head back to the building when he heard a whine and yowl. Bucky followed the noise and sure enough found Sarge lying between some bushes. The dog seemed hurt and even thinner than before.</p><p>"Hey, what's up? Sarge? Can you walk? Come on, find the cheese." Bucky chucked a piece of it but Sarge didn't even try to stand up. With determination Bucky set his jaw, then he bent to pick Sarge up, half expecting him to bite him. But the dog only yelped in pain. "I know, buddy. I know." He tried to jostle Sarge as little as possible as he carried him inside the building and straight towards med bay. People literally jumped out of his way to make room as they saw his stare; no one dared standing in the way of the Winter Soldier when he was on a mission.</p><p>"Sergeant Barnes? What are you doing here?" Banner asked friendly, if surprised.</p><p>"Can you take a look at him? Please? I think he's hurt."</p><p>If Banner was surprised by the question, he didn't show it. Instead he gestured to an examination table and put his glasses back on. "Lay him down and hold him. Try not to get bitten."</p><p>"Not my main concern," Bucky muttered but did as he was told. "He couldn't walk and when I picked him up he seemed to be in pain." His right hand started stroking Sarge's fur in a calming motion he didn't remember learning, every now and then scratching his ear or neck.</p><p>"Your luck we're at least partly stocked on stuff for animals after Nat brought in that cat once," Bruce muttered and went looking for something in a drawer. "I can give him something against the pain and splint his leg; I'm not entirely sure whether it's broken or he just strained something, so you should definitely go see a vet with him."</p><p>Bucky nodded. "Sounds good. Thanks."</p><p>"You're welcome."</p><p>It was quiet for a while until Bucky spoke up again. "So… Nat's a cat person?"</p><p>Bruce chuckled. "I'm not sure if she is or if Liho just decided Nat had to like her. Seems like a cute little furball but can be a real devil if she wants to. If you ask me, those two were meant for each other. But Liho comes and goes as she pleases. Sometimes weeks pass and she's nowhere to be seen. Alright." He carefully petted Sarge who only sleepily growled very quiet. "He should be fine for the car ride now. Do you need someone to drive you?"</p><p>"Yeah, I think that might be best. Don't worry, I'll ask Steve. Thanks for the help, Dr. Banner."</p><p>"Again, you're welcome. Take good care of him."</p><p>Bucky hoisted Sarge in his arms again albeit more careful this time and walked towards the elevator. "Hey, uhm, FRIDAY? Can you ask Steve to meet me in the garage? I'll need his help driving to the vet." He felt silly talking with the AI but it still was pretty cool. An AI that ran an entire building? That were the dreams when he visited Stark Expo all those years ago.</p><p>"Certainly, Sergeant Barnes."</p><p>In the garage, Bucky had to wait. He didn't own a car, let alone a license, and he hoped that Steve did not only own a motorbike. Maybe he should have asked Stark whether they could borrow one.</p><p>The elevator dinged again and revealed Steve who held up a pair of keys. "We can take Clint's car. Is that the dog you were sneaking cheese out for?"</p><p>"Yeah." Bucky suddenly felt silly. "He looked like he hadn't a home that cared for him and I just wanted to help him."</p><p>"We should get him a collar while we're at it," Steve said and opened the door to the backseat so Bucky could place Sarge there and then crawl in after him only to lay the dog's head on his lap and hold him tight so he wouldn't get jostled too much. "I mean, now that he has a home."</p><p>Bucky looked up in surprise. He hadn't thought about keeping Sarge. "Has he? I don't want to step on anyone's toes. If no one minds-"</p><p>"No one will," Steve interrupted gently and looked at him through the rear-view mirror. "The team has a heart for strays. And as long as you are providing for him-"</p><p>"I will." Bucky's voice was firm before he could think about it too much.</p><p>Steve smiled at him. "Good. Then let's get the guy taken care of and then we'll buy the stuff you'll need."</p><p>The smile on Bucky's face told him everything.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A fluffy trip down memory lane for Bucky.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky/Natasha, Steve</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky hadn't expected everything to be fine once Shuri managed to break the brainwashing and dig his memories out. Still, he hadn't expected to be so overwhelmed by images and sounds, triggered by the most mundane sights.</p><p>"Breakfast?"</p><p>
  <em>Natalia asked and looked at him over her shoulder. Despite the early hour, she looked magnificent, standing there in only his shirt that was too big for her and hid her slim figure from his gaze. Her green eyes danced with laughter, probably because he sported some big case of bed hair. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Soldier didn't answer but stepped closer and looked over her shoulder to see what she was doing. Automatically, his hands came to rest at her waist. "So cooking breakfast is a skill they teach in the Red Room?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Natalia shrugged a shoulder. "Sometimes working a mark takes longer than an evening. The more comfortable they feel with you, the lower their guards are."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His hands tightened minutely. "I see."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She gifted him a smile over her shoulder, softer than her touch had been last night. "While I'm sure you already know it, I'm still saying it: you're not a mark."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>I know." He kissed her shoulder blade, revelling in the feeling of her skin against his lips. "I'm just jealous of those men that get to spend such mornings with you. The times I'm allowed to are too far between."</em></p><p>"James?" Natasha looked at him, one eyebrow raised. She kept stirring the eggs in the pan without looking at them.</p><p>"Breakfast, right. Yes, please." He sat down at the table and rubbed a hand down his face.</p><p>"You're okay?"</p><p>Bucky sighed and looked up, using one hand to prop up his hand. "Yeah, just… Rough night. Shuri kicked loose a lot of stuff and well… I'm not fully awake yet, but breakfast'll help."</p><p>Natasha slid a plate in front of him. "I got you covered."</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Shouldn't I be the one to cover you?" The Soldier mumbled without so much as moving. "Since I'm the one on a roof with a rifle, you know?" His body had made a perfect indent in the snow and he hadn't moved out of it since morning. He barely felt the cold.</em></p><p>
  <em>Natalia's voice sounded annoyed. "Well, this guy spotted you on the roof, so by covering your ass, I covered mine."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Soldier couldn't help but chuckle quietly. "So you're saying I'm just endangering the mission by lying on a roof, in the snow, keeping an eye out for you."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>I didn't say that." Her voice was barely more than a breathy whisper as she sneaked through the corridors. "But I'm not disagreeing with you."</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>Well, tough luck, little spider. I'm not going anywhere."</em></p><p>
  <em>It was silent on her end of communication for so long that the Soldier grew worried. It was nothing unusual for her to cut the banter when she needed to concentrate. His perch, however, allowed him to keep track of her in the building she was infiltrating and there was no danger coming towards her as of yet. </em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Promise?" she finally asked, her voice small.</em></p><p>
  <em>The Soldier didn't answer immediately. They didn't know what their handlers had in store for them once they deemed her training by him finished. Would they be sent out together? Would they be separated? If so, would they ever see each other again? Finally, he breathed out. "You know I can't promise that." If he'd had any control over his future, he'd make the promise in a heartbeat. He'd took her away from the Red Room, brought her to somewhere no one knew their faces, their names or even their reputations. Somewhere she could just be Natalia and he could be the man that sometimes appeared beneath the Soldier, only always when Natalia was near. But he didn't. And so, he couldn't. "Natalia, you're still there?"</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Yeah. Yeah, I know. Sorry."</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>Nothing to apologize for. Now, head back in the game, alright? We have plans for later and I don't want to cancel the restaurant."</em></p><p>
  <em>Natalia didn't answer, but he saw her silhouette moving behind the large windows, making her way to her mark.</em>
</p><p>"Buck?"</p><p>The hand on his shoulder had him nearly jumping out of his skin and he barely refrained from stabbing Steve with the fork in his hand. "Sorry." With slight disappointment, he realized that his portion of the scrambled eggs hat gone cold. He scrubbed at his eyes and shot Natasha a thankful glance when she put a mug of coffee in front of him. "Thanks."</p><p>Steve looked at him with concern. "You alright?"</p><p>"Yeah, just-"</p><p>"No, he's not," Natasha intercepted almost sternly. "He's under an onslaught of memories while shaking of the brainwashing he was put under for over half a century. If he says he's fine, he's lying."</p><p>Both men gaped at her but Bucky recovered first. "I know you went through something similar, but there's no need to protect me. I may not be fine yet but I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'll work through it. Eventually."</p><p>"I'm not saying I know exactly what you're going through, but I may have some inkling," Natasha argued, her voice a tad softer now. "I'm just saying, take it slow."</p><p><em>"</em> <em>We don't have time for me to take it slow." The Soldier growled as he shrugged of his shirt, the fabric catching in his wounds, stained dark by the blood.</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>Well, we have to, otherwise you're bleeding out. No sit down and shut up." There was an urgency to her voice as she pushed him down, ignoring his grunt of pain. "What the hell were you thinking? Not only that you got yourself shot, but now he's amassing security and I won't get near him again that easily. You could have taken him out."</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>Wasn't an option. Killing him would have meant you'd have been killed, too."</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>Yeah, well, that's the danger, isn't it?" She used more force than strictly necessary to clean his wounds with the alcohol. "Sometimes there are sacrifices needed to get the job done."</em></p><p>
  <em>The Soldier scoffed. "Brought the sacrifice, got the job done."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>No, because the mark is still alive."</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>As are you." </em></p><p>
  <em>Their eyes met for a moment before Natalia went back to stitching his wounds. The serum would take care of them soon enough, but better safe than sorry. "You know they will learn of what you did. You're not supposed to put me before the mission. Or anyone."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>I know. But having you getting killed was not an option. Will never be an option."</em></p><p>
  <em>Natalia shook her head and started dressing his wounds, her nimble fingers barely brushing over his skin. "They'll punish you for it."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>It'll be worth it."</em></p><p>
  <em>She threw him a withering glare that should make him afraid for his life; instead he felt that comfortable warmth spreading inside him that he had thought lost for so long. "You're an idiot," she said, raising one eyebrow at him to drive the point home. "A sentimental, emotional idiot."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He couldn't help but grin, knowing full well that it wouldn't necessarily better the situation on his end. "I might be. But you choose to put up with me so what makes that you?" He chuckled when she threw a new shirt in his face.</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Get dressed. We need to make a new plan."</em></p><p>
  <em>The Soldier stood up and caught her wrist in a careful grip. "I'm sorry we need to regroup. But I'm not sorry for saving you. Not now. Not ever."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Natalia returned his gaze for a moment before it flickered down to the fresh bandages. "You could have gotten killed, too. With or without your serum. If that asshole had been a better marksman-"</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>But he wasn't." The Soldier took her hand and placed it over his heart, holding it there with both of his hands. "Feel it? I'm still alive. The wounds will heal in no time."</em></p><p>
  <em>But Natalia shook her head, trying to tuck away her hand; he let her. "Next time you might not be as lucky."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>I don't care. I used up all of it by meeting you, anyway."</em></p><p>
  <em>In the blink of an eye, she was in his face, with a glare that would have smouldered his arm. "You might not care what happens to you but did it occur to you that I do? That I worry about you?" She shoved him hard enough to make him stumble one step backwards. "They taught me not to care for anyone my whole life and then you come around with your eyes and your grin and… you're a stupid asshole, that's what you are! Go ahead and get shot."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>James caught her hand again when she turned around and lowered his gaze to meet her eyes. "What are you saying?" he asked softly so as not to disturb whatever moment they where building. </em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Nothing. Can we go back to work now?"</em></p><p><em>"</em> <em>Any moment now. Just…" The Soldier breathed out and calmed his beating heart. "I think I might be falling in love with you."</em></p><p>
  <em>Natalia stared at him, her mouth open. "You… what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Soldier shrugged almost bashfully, feeling that man he used to be more prominent. "You don't need to say anything, I just… wanted you to know. That's all."</em>
</p><p><em>"</em> <em>Are you sure you alright?"</em></p><p>Bucky blinked back to the present and nodded absentmindedly at Steve's question, his gaze fixed at Natasha. "I haven't told you in this time, have I?"</p><p>Natasha cocked her head minutely in question. "Told me what?"</p><p>His gaze grew softer and he reached over the table, gently taking her hand in his. "That I love you."</p><p>Natasha returned the squeeze of his hand. "You have now." She went to collect the empty plates and leant down to kiss him briefly. "I love you, too." A short glance was shot in Steve's direction. "I think we might have broken your best friend."</p><p>"How… When… What the hell is going on?" Steve looked like a deer in headlights. "Since when are you two dating in this century?"</p><p>Bucky broke down laughing and laid his head on the table and Natasha failed to hide her smile. "Since James started working with Shuri."</p><p>"Since… How comes I didn't notice?</p><p>"Stevie, you're clever, but when it comes to women and relationships you're as dull it can get." He clapped Steve's shoulder. "And, well, we're master spies. You never stood a chance."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky finally gets his stag night.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky/Natasha, Maria Hill, Steve</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Are you sure?"</p><p>Natasha changed Amy from one hip to the other and held her securely with one arm. "I am. You have fun tonight and enjoy whatever the guys thought of."</p><p>James sighed. "I bet Tony is dragging us into a strip club."</p><p>"I hope so." She grinned at him and kissed Amy's head. "I snuck a wad of bucks in your bag and I'll be very disappointed if you bring them back home."</p><p>James stuffed a shirt in his duffle bag and shook his head. "How about you go and I take care of Amy?"</p><p>"Nope. I already hat my hen party with the girls, it's your turn now. You wanted to get married."</p><p>He stepped closer and wrapped her in his arms, mindful of their little daughter. "Well, to be honest, when I proposed I didn't think of that part." Carefully, he stroked the soft tufts of hair on Amelia's head, only to lean his forehead against Natasha's. A smile crept on his lips as Amelia's tiny hands smacked against his cheek. "I'd rather spend the evening with my girls."</p><p>Natasha's brow furrowed with concern. "If you really don't want to go, I'm sure the boys will understand. No one's forcing you."</p><p>James smiled and leant down to kiss her. "I'm just whining. I managed to wind my way out of any longer absence since her birth and I guess I'm just afraid I'll miss you both terribly."</p><p>"We'll miss you, too." Natasha tipped her head to kiss him. "How about I greet you with pancakes when you return? To help you over the nightlong absence?"</p><p>"I knew there's a reason I asked you to marry me," James sighed happily and returned the kiss before planting one on Amy's head. "You'll be good for mama, right, baby girl?" He smiled as Amy cooed in response.</p><p>The ringing doorbell interrupted their little moment. Natasha nudged James with her elbow. "Pack up, Soldier. We'll buy you some time." She kissed him one last time, then left their bedroom with Amy to open the door. As expected, Steve waited on the other side, his gaze softening inevitably when he saw Amy who gurgled happily at him.</p><p>"Hey, little one. How have you been?" Steve asked and accepted her without hesitation when Natasha offered him to hold her. Amy took the chance to pull at Steve's beard with the surprising force of a newborn.</p><p>Natasha smiled at their interaction and let Steve inside. "Since you saw her yesterday? She just ate a lot and filled even more diapers. Nothing unusual for a baby."</p><p>Steve carefully loosened Amy's hand from his beard and offered her his finger instead to hold, which Amy immediately tried to stick in her mouth. "So, normal baby business." He lifted his gaze to look at Natasha. "How are you, Nat?"</p><p>"Good. Bit tired, all the time, but Laura said that's due to feeding her. Nothing I can't deal with, though. We do a lot of napping together. And once she's ready to take the bottle, James can do the late-night shifts from time to time."</p><p>"You know I would already do that now, if I could," James chimed in as he came down the stairs. "Hey, punk."</p><p>"Jerk." Steve grinned.</p><p>Natasha rolled her eyes fondly. "And I appreciate the sentiment, but you know I hate those pumps. I much rather get up in the middle of the night." She turned towards Steve and nodded at James. "You take good care of him, alright? I don't want to see him sober when you get back."</p><p>Steve stood to attention and saluted but couldn't help the broad grin. "Yes, ma'am. I'll do my best."</p><p>James scoffed good-naturedly. "How 'bout you don't talk about me as if I'm not in the same room? Really, Amy, can you believe that?"</p><p>The baby gurgled happy as she was spoken to and hid her face at Natasha's collarbone. Natasha smiled involuntarily and kissed Amy's head, holding her gently, and walked the few steps over to James. "Have fun, alright? Maria's coming over in a few, so there's no need for you to worry."</p><p>"There's almost never a reason for me to worry, but I cannot help it when it's about you," James responded in a soft voice. "Never really could. But I know you're in good hands with Maria so I'll try." He gently laid his right hand at her cheek and leant in to kiss her chastely. "I'll miss you."</p><p>"Miss you, too." Natasha smiled against his lips, before lightly slapping his behind. "Now go, Soldier. Last day in freedom, as they say."</p><p>Steve took his cue and James's arm and pulled him towards the door. "I'll bring him back sometime tomorrow, Nat. Don't wait up." Then he closed the door behind them.</p><p>Natasha sighed and pressed a kiss to Amy's temple while rocking her in her arms. "What do you think, little one? Will they manage to distract your dad enough? Or will he be home in a few hours?"</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"I mean, can you believe that?" Maria groaned theatrically and sipped from her wine. Natasha laughed at her story but sobered up when her phone rang. Maria tried to sneak a peek. "Is that Barnes?"</p><p>"Yeah. Lemme just answer that real quickly, okay?"</p><p>"Sure, sure." Maria leaned back on the sofa.</p><p>Natasha threw her a thankful smile and accepted the call. To her surprise, she was greeted by a video. "What's up, Soldier?" she asked, holding the phone so that James could see her. The picture she saw from him was slightly askew.</p><p>"Nat… I jus' needed t' call ya. I miss ya." His voice sounded as blurry as his gaze was.</p><p>Natasha fought to suppress an amused smile. "I miss you too, James. You're having a good night?"</p><p>He frowned at her. "I think 'm drunk. Thor brought some stuff an' I… I only had one shot of it. I think. I think I'm drunk. I told you that already, right?" He frowned again. "I wanted t' tell ya something, but I… I don' think I can remember." His gaze shifted to being really concerned.</p><p>Natasha smiled at him. "That's okay. I guess you haven't been drunk in some time. It doesn't matter if you don't remember. That's okay."</p><p>"'m really proud of Amy, ya know. I never thought I could be a dad, but I love her so damn much an' bein' with ya makes me so happy an' I… I can't wait t' marry ya, Nat. Ya making me the happiest man alive."</p><p>"I'm looking forward to it, too. Stay safe tonight, alright?"</p><p>James nodded and the video tilted a bit more. Then his face lit up. "I know why I called, Nat! I wanted t' say that I love you. I really do love you. So, so much. You're the best that-"</p><p>"Hey!" Steve's voice could be heard off screen, then he tackled James. The phone clattered to the ground. There were sounds of muffled fighting, albeit no video, until Steve picked up the phone again, only slightly less drunk than James. "Gotta get your fiancé back to the party, Nat. Have a nice evening."</p><p>"Take good care of him, Steve, alright?"</p><p>"Always." The promise was delivered definitely more sober. "G'night."</p><p>"Goodnight, you two." Natasha smiled softly as she put the now silent phone away.</p><p>Maria grinned at her knowingly over the brim of her wine glass. "Who'd have thought that Barnes was a sappy drunk?"</p><p>Natasha laughed. "You can't tell me that surprises you? Honestly."</p><p>"No, not really. Still, it goes straight into my blackmail box. Especially if he's so drunk he can't remember it tomorrow."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Contort</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky receives his orders and is less than enthusiastic about it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Bucky, Barnes family</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky stumbled home as the sun was on its highest point and burned mercilessly. His back and feet hurt and he had the feeling he could smell himself, but the wad of dollars in his pockets let him smile. Enough money to buy groceries and pay for Stevie's medicines. The work at the docks was hard work but it paid good. Plus, in three days would be another boxing night. Maybe he could add some money to their savings or buy Rebecca something nice.</p><p>He stopped short in his tracks when he saw his little sister sitting on the steps to their little house, her eyes red and puffy and her cheeks wet from tears. "Becca?" Bucky asked softly and leaned against the handrail from the other side. "What's up?"</p><p>Rebecca only shook her head and looked down to evade his gaze. Concern pulled his brows together. Bucky pushed away from the handrail and sat down next to her, just waiting. Finally, Rebecca spoke up. "There was a letter for you in the mail today. Big, brown paper. Ma's been crying since." She looked up at him, fresh tears in her eyes. "You're going to fight, right?"</p><p>Bucky gulped but worked hard to suppress his panic; there would be time for that later. It had been only a matter of time before they started to draft their soldiers. "Guess I need to see the letter first to tell you for sure. But, yeah, looks like it."</p><p>"I don't want you to go."</p><p>Out of reflex, Bucky pulled her closer and held Rebecca tightly. "Well, I don't necessarily want to go either, but I don't think we have a choice here. People are needed to fight of the Nazis and if I can keep you safe that way, I'll do so happily."</p><p>"But you'll come back, right? You have to promise!" Rebecca looked up at him with big, determined eyes.</p><p>"I can't promise you that, Becca. You know that." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, allowing himself a moment of grief and fear for himself. "But I can promise you to do everything to come back home, okay? I'll do my best. But in turn you need to do something for me." He waited until Rebecca had finished wiping her eyes and looked at him. "I need you to look after Ma and Stevie. Can you do that for me?"</p><p>Rebecca nodded. "Sure."</p><p>"Good. I'll go inside and take a look at that letter." He shoved his free hand in his pocket and pulled out the cash he'd earned that last week. "I know things've been tight, but you now what? Here." He gave her a crumbled dollar and saw her face light up in awe. "It's yours. Don't spend it all on sweets, alright? You know Ma's going to be furious if you do."</p><p>"I won't." She hugged him tightly. "Love you."</p><p>"Love you, too, Becca." He hugged her just as tightly before letting go. "Now off you go. I'll see you later, yes?" He watched her leave and kept sitting on the stairs. Suddenly, he felt incredibly weary. Still, he managed to get to his feet and climb the few stairs to the front door which he opened with his key. He could hear the sobbing of his mother almost immediately.</p><p>Bucky found her in the kitchen, his letter still unopened on the table. As soon as she saw him, fresh tears sprung to her eyes. "Oh, my boy."</p><p>"Ma…" Bucky didn't know what to say. He was scared but his ma was so terrified that he didn't want to grieve in front of her. Instead, he held her tight and let her cry. "I'm gonna try and be careful, Ma. I promise." That only made her cry harder.</p><p>It took some time, but when his mother had collected herself enough, Bucky was inevitably drawn to the letter that was sitting unopened on their kitchen table. His hands shook when he finally ripped open the envelope and took out the piece of paper that was about to change his life. "I'm supposed to go to the drafting bureau until Friday," he summarized quietly, for fear that his voice would give out. "Then off to basic training on Monday." His hand sank down and he carefully folded the letter back into the envelope. "I'll wash up and go there; there's no use in trying to get some sleep."</p><p>"Maybe they'll decide you're no fit."</p><p>Bucky managed a weak smile. "Yeah, maybe." He doubted it. He was young, healthy and had built up some muscle and stamina over the last two or three years. Plus, they were getting desperate. There was no chance in hell he was getting out of this. At least not the easy way and he couldn't afford a broken bone. Who would then work the docks? With a serious injury he might be able to stay home, but he would be just one more mouth to feed without being able to bring any money in. He couldn't do that. Not to his Ma, not to Stevie.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"Name?"</p><p>"Barnes, James Buchanas."</p><p>"That's sir for you, boy." A stern gaze under bushy eyebrows.</p><p>Bucky gulped but held his head high. "I'm sorry, sir."</p><p>The man in uniform grumbled something Bucky didn't catch but looked back down on the form. "Born?"</p><p>"On March 10, 1917, sir."</p><p>"Job?"</p><p>"Down at the docks, sir. I'm bringing in the money for my mother and sister." Who would care for them once he was in Europe? And for Steve? If there was no money… "Also for a sick friend of mine. He has no family anymore and he's very sick. He needs the money for medication."</p><p>The man looked up and raised one eyebrow. "What happened to your father?"</p><p>"Died shortly after the Great War, sir." There was no need telling him that his father, if he could be called that, had drunk himself to death, leaving his mother with two small children. "I started working while still in school."</p><p>"Finished high school?"</p><p>Bucky raised his chin with pride. "Yes, sir."</p><p>"Good marks?"</p><p>He'd loved science while being in school and he couldn't wait to go to the Stark Expo. Hopefully he wouldn't miss it. If live had been different, he might have applied for a job as engineer. "Yes, sir. Pretty good, if I may say so."</p><p>The man smiled and somehow that made Bucky uneasy. "Good. We can use some boys with a bit of brain between their ears."</p><p>Damn.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>It was the day before he was about to ship out. Bucky had arranged for a double date for him and Steve; he'd never grow tired to throw dames at him. Steve was one of the good guys, if a little dumb at times; sooner or later there would be a girl to see that and take care of him. Or kick his ass. Bucky knew that Steve was jealous of him being drafted. Steve had scarcely talked about something else during the last week. Bucky was just scared, but for his friend he could be brave and act like the cockiness was still there. He was just glad Steve would never have to be shipped off to war. His ass was too scrawny and his asthma would kill him sooner than any bullet could.</p><p>Bucky had decided he would try and enjoy his last night at home. Who knew whether he'd ever see it again?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Blood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The beginning of the relationship between the Winter Soldier and Natalia</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: Winter Soldier/Natalia, Ivan</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Soldier looked at the girl standing in the middle of the room. She had come straight from ballet as she hadn't had the time to change back into her uniform yet. All the better. He slowly rounded her, his gaze taking in every muscle. Not a bad build and she had form already, but… "She's small," he remarked almost disdainfully and looked at Ivan. It was obvious that the man had a soft spot for her. Still, it was dangerous making her up better than she was.</p><p>Ivan gestured at the girl. "That might be, but it will also cause people to underestimate her. If you don't trust my judgement, you're free to test her."</p><p>The Soldier cocked his head for the fraction of a millimetre. Interesting. Ivan didn't seem to like him, for whatever reason. Because he dared to call the girl not enough? Hardly. And yet… The Soldier turned back towards the girl. Her red hair was tied up immaculately and her green eyes met his stare without flinching, her chin held high defiantly. So she still had fire. He wondered why they hadn't gotten that out of her yet. "How do you kill a mark without it being traceable?" he asked her in fluent Spanish.</p><p>The tiniest quirk of her lips. "With what parameters am I working?" she responded just as easily.</p><p>He slapped her hard enough to leave a bruise. "Are you supposed to ask questions?"</p><p>"No, sir." She stood straighter, meeting his eyes without giving away what was going on in that pretty head of hers. "I would use whatever presents itself as a weapon given the circumstances. If for whatever reason no weapon is available, my body is weapon enough."</p><p>"You're quite cocky, aren't you?" The Soldier made the change to Japanese without a hitch.</p><p>The girl followed suit. "Just confident, sir. I am top of all my classes with no close second."</p><p>"Natalia will be the youngest to graduate," Ivan threw in, the pride in his voice almost indetectable. Almost. "That is, if she learns when to shut her mouth."</p><p>"I will be the judge of that. Thank you, General."</p><p>The muscles in Ivan's jaw worked, but he kept his mouth shut. Good. Satisfied, the Soldier turned back towards the girl. "Change in your uniform and meet me at the shooting range. I want to see how you perform." Then he left the room, his steps full of intention. He was not yet convinced that Natalia was worth his time. On the other hand, Madame B. was almost smitten with the girl and how she performed. Maybe he had judged her too soon. Maybe.</p><p>Exactly five minutes later Natalia appeared at the shooting range, her hair still in that immaculate bun. She stood to attention, hands clasped behind her back. It was almost comical how much he needed to bow his head to be able to look at her. "I want you to take the firearms laid out and shoot at the targets. Choose the weapons in whatever succession you want."</p><p>Natalia threw him a glance but said nothing. Instead she walked up to the stand with a confidence the Soldier didn't know where it stemmed from. She chose the Makarov first and fired the whole mag at the target before she changed to the next firearm without sparing the first target a second glance. The Soldier couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. Her skills were extraordinary, not one missed shot. The hits were so close together that they seemed to be one shot.</p><p>When she had finished, Natalia stepped away from the last weapon and again clasped her hands behind her back. "Sir?"</p><p>The Soldier nodded once. Then, without further warning, he swung his fist at her. The surprise on Natalia's face was only visible for the fraction of a second. In time, she leant back just enough to escape his fist. The Soldier didn't relent but advanced further. Their movement resembled a complex dance that was perfectly executed until the Soldier's fist collided with her jaw. Natalia fell and hit the floor hard. She coughed but stood again and spat a glob of blood before falling into a fighting stance again.</p><p>"We have a lot of work to do," the Soldier commented and regarded her with a cool gaze. "I want to see you in the training room at five tomorrow morning and every day after that. If you're late, you won't be late again. I'll take care of that."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"Again." His voice rang out in the windowless room and his gaze was fixed on the girl that was currently breathing through her nose to alleviate the pain probably coursing through her bruised ribs. "I said, again!"</p><p>Natalia pushed against the floor and came to her feet, falling into a fighting stance. Bruises were already forming on her cheek and forehead and blood marred her features, matting her hair. Still, she looked dangerously beautiful. Without losing any more time, she charged him, hitting him as if they weren't at it for already several hours. Suddenly, Natalia kicked up, wrapped her legs around his head and shifted her weight until he fell to the floor, hard. For a moment he couldn't breathe properly which wasn't helped by Natalia's legs that still constricted his airways. He couldn't move her, no matter how hard he tried. Finally, he tapped out.</p><p>Natalia hesitated for a fraction, then she released him.</p><p>The Soldier gulped in huge breaths, then he also stood up. There was a wide grin on his face. "How did you come up with that move?"</p><p>Natalia responded with a grin just as wide. "I needed something that would use your weight and height against you. Glad it worked."</p><p>The Soldier stepped closer and wiped the blood from her lower lip with his thumb. "You've come a long way. I'm proud of you." He moved away again before anyone who might be watching them would see too much. "Go clean up. That's enough fighting for today. But I want to see you afterwards to go over toxins again. My quarters? Or the library?"</p><p>"Library," Natalia responded with regret that was only audible to him. "I'm afraid they'll suspect something."</p><p>"Fine." The Soldier nodded and took another step back, head held high and voice cold. "Go clean up, Romanova. Thirty minutes."</p><p>A mask he had come to hate slid in place and Natalia's face became entirely expressionless. She strode out of the room, leaving him standing there. The Soldier's gaze was drawn to the fresh specks of blood on the cement floor. His skin crawled and he averted his eyes. There was nothing he could do to protect her. Nothing but taking care that she was prepared to survive everything.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Seeking Solace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky uses his one possibility to say goodbye.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CN: mentiones of death, grief</p><p>Characters: implied Bucky/Natasha, Sam, Bruce</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky sat at the lake near the rebuild Avengers headquarters. The sun had long since set and the moon hid behind the clouds. It was near silent aside from the rustling of the leaves and the soft lapping of the waves. It had been months now that he and half of the population had returned from the dead and still Bucky felt like he was missing most part of himself. And maybe he was.</p><p>Cleaning up with Sam and catching bad guys was fun and he was glad he was able to do something without having to fear the Winter Soldier would return. But he missed his best friend. Sam was good company but he wasn't Steve. Bucky still couldn't believe he'd chosen Carter, a woman he barely knew, over the friendship. So much for 'til the end of the line. Plus, having his memories back also meant he remembered her. Natalia. Or Natasha, as she'd been calling herself those last years. If he'd known what would happen he'd told her immediately during her first visit in Wakanda after they had woken him up. Back when she'd freshly dyed her hair and still he had immediately recognized her. Now it was too late. No matter how much he regretted it, there was no way in changing the past. But there <em>was</em> a way to travel back in time.</p><p>Bucky took a deep breath and looked up. Maybe he needed to talk with Banner. He would understand, probably. Bucky didn't have it in him to be jealous of the man. Natalia had been bound to move on someday. There probably were men who had deserved her less. Bucky wasn't entirely sure whether he deserved her, if he was being honest.</p><p>With a sigh, Bucky came to his feet. He liked spending time at the lake, even more so knowing that Natalia had liked sitting there, too. Sometimes he felt as if he could hear her voice out there. That was nonsense, of course. She was dead and there was no way she was whispering to him. "G'night," he mumbled nonetheless before he turned to the building.</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"You wanna do <em>what</em> now?" Sam looked at him with his arms crossed like he'd heard the dumbest thing ever.</p><p>"Go back in time and say goodbye," Bucky repeated calmly and met the other man's stare with the ease of someone who had killed for a living for decades. "Look, I know it's risky-"</p><p>"Risky? Dude, you're bound to create a whole other timeline. Didn't you listen to Steve when he told us all that stuff? It's a bad idea, man."</p><p>Bucky shrugged. "I thought it through. Pick a time after Thanos happened and we were dusted. By that, she can't attempt to talk to me at her next visit in Wakanda. It's fool proof."</p><p>"Nat will kill you when she discovers you standing in her room at night. Like, literally kill you."</p><p>"She won't. Well, at first, maybe," Bucky amended with a half-smile.</p><p>Sam regarded him with a piercing stare. "Why risk it? Don't take me wrong, I miss her, too. The world is a darker place without her, that's for sure."</p><p>Bucky hesitated. He didn't plan on filling Sam in, but he <em>needed</em> him on his side and not selling him out to Steve. "We have history," Bucky finally offered quietly. "The place where she was trained… <em>I</em> trained her. But we were closer than that. And after Shuri helped with my memories, I also remember her. And I know I'm not the same man anymore; sometimes I don't know, <em>who</em> I am. But the thought that Natalia isn't here anymore is killing me and I… I <em>miss</em> her. You don't know how much. And I'm glad I'm not completely the same man as back then because if I were… the news that she's dead would destroy me. That's how important she was to me. And that's why I need to say goodbye. Please, Sam. I… I don't know what else to do."</p><p>Sam nodded minutely as if deep in thought. "I get it. We should talk to Banner, though. After Stark he's the brain of this whole operation and the only one able to work that time machine. If it still can be worked. They needed those particle thingies, right?"</p><p>"The man who made them was also undusted, that shouldn't be a problem. I hope." Bucky felt a huge weight lifted from his shoulders at the prospect of being able to finally say goodbye. "Thank you, Sam. Really, I owe you."</p><p>"Don't thank me too soon, Barnes. We need to talk with Banner first. Don't get your hopes up, okay?"</p><p>"Can't promise you anything to be honest. But however this turns out, I owe you big time."</p><p>~#~#~#~#~#~</p><p>"You're ready?" Banner looked at him, one concerned eyebrow raised.</p><p>Bucky glanced down to the white and red suit that he was supposed to wear. "Yeah."</p><p>Sam stepped up, one hand raised. "One moment. Talk me through the motions. One more time, come one."</p><p>Bucky didn't comment on his tone; Sam was almost as nervous as he was. "I'm gonna land in HQ at a time when Steve has already moved out, change clothes and act like I'm not real. Then I'm coming back straight here, a minute from when I started. I will not spend more time than strictly necessary."</p><p>"And change no more than strictly necessary. That's important," Banner threw in.</p><p>Sam stepped even closer. "Be careful, man. And… hug her from me, will you?"</p><p>Bucky managed a small smile. "Sure thing." He took a deep breath and then stepped on the platform. "Ready when you are."</p><p>Banner counted downwards and then Bucky was sucked into time itself. Before he could think too long about it, he had firm ground back under his feet. It was dark in the facility and near silent except for the humming of machines. Bucky ducked into the next room and stripped out of the suit. At least that suit fit over his normal clothes; anything else would have been more than weird. From Sam he knew where Natalia's room had been back when they had all lived at the facility and Bucky could only hope that she had kept her room through it all. She snuck through the hallways into the room that Sam had described to him.</p><p>His hand shook and he could feel the sweat on his skin. A knot had formed in his stomach. Bucky prayed that he could keep it together. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door silently and slipped through. He'd barely closed the door behind him when there was a soft click from the direction of the bed. "You have five seconds to explain who you are and what you want before I shoot you."</p><p>Despite her words, Bucky's heart leaped. He raised his hands and stepped into the moonlight that was filtering in through the blinds. "Shooting me would certainly be long overdue payback."</p><p>A soft gasp. "James. That can't be, you're…"</p><p>"Dead?" he offered when Natalia didn't finish the sentence. Carefully, he stepped closer and leant against the wall next to her bed. God, how he wanted to touch her.</p><p>Natalia put the gun down and hid it back under her pillow. "I found the rifle. Next to a grieving Steve and I <em>knew</em>… Is this a dream?"</p><p>"Then it's a good dream," Bucky answered softly.</p><p>Natalia moved up the bed and leant against the headboard, making room for him. "Maybe I'm finally cracking. Maybe this empty building is finally getting to me. But I don't mind if I can see you again." Her eyes shone as she looked at him but no tears fell.</p><p>Bucky met her gaze and his heart clenched at the sight of her. She was thin, thinner than he remembered. She had grown out her hair so that it was mostly red again and still blond in the lower parts. A tiredness was set around her eyes as if she hadn't slept in months.</p><p>"I always-" She paused, then started anew. "I always wondered whether you remembered me. Our time together. But I was too chicken to ask you whenever we went to Wakanda."</p><p>Bucky pushed off the wall and sat down at the foot end of her bed. He looked at her earnestly, needed her to believe it. "I remember you. Every hour. How could I forget my ballerina?"</p><p>"I'm dancing again," she told him, an almost bashful smile on her lips. "It feels like I'm closer to you."</p><p>Bucky could feel the familiar burning behind his eyes. "I'm never far. Never. I'm always with you, Natalia. I promise you, I'm not leaving you alone. I-"</p><p>"But you did," Natalia interrupted him softly, reaching out a hand to him which Bucky took without thinking about it. "Not by choice, but you're gone. All that's left were ashes, blown apart and away."</p><p>"I know." He looked down at their entwined hands. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"Why didn't you tell me? That you remember?"</p><p>"I was afraid." Bucky looked up again; he owed her that much. "Afraid that it would leave me pining after a girl who didn't exist anymore. Who'd moved on. And how could I fault you for that."</p><p>Natalia chuckled sadly and squeezed his hand. "I'm really not good with windows. But I really wish we could have some time. To get to know each other again."</p><p>Bucky moved closer to her; he couldn't resist her, had never been able to. From the first day on he'd been drawn to her like a moth to the flame. "How are you?"</p><p>"Honestly?"</p><p>He nodded in response.</p><p>Natalia sighed, her free hand pushing her hair back. "Not good," she finally admitted. "I <em>know</em> there has to be a way to reverse all this, I'm sure, but… It's nothing I've ever been trained for. Aliens. Mythical stones. I keep looking and researching because if I stop… I don't know what to do. And someone has to man the ship."</p><p>The fury that had settled in Bucky stomach when he found out that Steve had left her here, all alone, flared up again. He worked hard to suppress it as to not scare her off. That wasn't why he was here.</p><p>"You said it's adream, right?"</p><p>"Right."</p><p>"Can you hold me? Like before?"</p><p>In a way of answering, Bucky pulled her closer until she was seated in his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He buried his face in her hair breathing in her painfully familiar smell. Tears pricked his eyes again and he couldn't help holding her a bit tighter still.</p><p>"I miss you so much." Her voice was muffled against his shoulder.</p><p>Bucky kissed her forehead, his eyes closed. "I miss you, too," he whispered. "You don't know how much."</p><p>"I'm getting you back. All of you. We're gonna undo what Thanos did and then we talk. Find out who we are to each other. If we should try this. I promise I'll do whatever I can to get you back."</p><p>Bucky fought hard to suppress a sob. Instead he caressed Natalia's back in soft strokes and gulped. "I know you will. If anyone can make it happen, it's you."</p><p>Natalia raised her head and looked him in the eyes, one hand one his cheek, her thumb gently moving over the stubble he kept. "I love you. Always have."</p><p>Bucky smiled but this time he couldn't help one tear escaping. "I love you, too. My ballerina. My strong, little spider." They sat long like that, only holding each other. After some time, Bucky could feel her relaxing against him. He kissed her again, this time on her temple, and murmured against her skin: "You should sleep. You <em>need</em> to sleep."</p><p>"If I wake up, this dream will be over. 'm not ready for that."</p><p>"Then I guess you have to sleep in tomorrow." Bucky stood up, still holding her, only to place her on the bed and pull the blanket over her. Then he toed off his shoes and slipped in next to her, holding her and pressing her to his front. "I'm here, love. Nothing to worry about."</p><p>Soon, the deep breathing of Natalia sleeping could be heard. Bucky waited a little bit more, then, with more regret than he wanted to admit, kissed her hair and carefully disentangled from her grip. "Goodbye, Talia. I'll never forget you," he whispered barely audible to himself. Then, with his shoes in hand, he snuck out and back to where he had stashed the suit. Putting the clothes back on, he took a deep breath, then tapped on the wristband like Bruce had shown him.</p><p>Almost instantly, the bright facility of his day greeted him. Bucky stumbled, fell and moved in a sitting position on the floor, his arms leant on his knees which he'd pulled closer to his body. He let his head hang and didn't bother fight against the tears anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I've watched Bridgerton one too many times and... I'm sorry?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Characters: James, Steve, Peggy, Natasha, Rebecca, Fury</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Rebecca, would you please hurry," James called upstairs, adjusting his cufflinks. "We're already running late." The driver was waiting outside, the horses neighing. It was the first ball of the season and James couldn't care less as far as he was concerned. He had never been very interested in that part of social life. But since his sister had come of age, it was his job as the head of family to escort her and take care that no one made any unseemly moves towards her. Thank the heavens Steve and his wife would also be there to keep an eye on her.</p><p>His mother exited the salon and stepped towards him to adjust the collar of his shirt. "She's nervous, that's all. Don't be too harsh on her or possible suitors tonight, yes?"</p><p>James raised an eyebrow. "I just don't want her to be married of to a sloth. Rebecca deserves a good man."</p><p>"And she will find one. With Steve and Margaret there, maybe you will find the time looking for a bride, too. You are twenty-seven, after all."</p><p>"Mother." It was a sigh. "I have no desire to marry so soon. I want to travel, see the world."</p><p>She smiled sadly at him. "I know. And I would wish you could do just that. But with your father… <em>gone</em>, we need you to step up to your duties. I'm sorry, my dear."</p><p>"No, I'm sorry for whining." James sighed again and managed a small smile. "No promises on the bride, though."</p><p>His mother shook her head with a half-hidden smile. "Whatever am I going to do with you?"</p><p>James returned the smile bashfully. "Be patient? I know you've been patient with me a long time already, but I'm trying to be the son you need me to be."</p><p>"James, my dear, you <em>are</em> the son I need you to be. Don't worry, my dear." She kissed his cheek, then smiled as she watched Rebecca descend the stairs. "Be sure to have fun, despite everything. And give my regards to Steve and Margaret. We haven't had them for dinner in a while, make sure to invite them."</p><p>"I will, mother." James then turned to his sister, a proud smile on his face. "By God, Becca… when have you grown up so much?"</p><p>"Oh, be still." Rebecca blushed but it only complimented her light blue dress more.</p><p>James refrained from making another comment and instead offered her his arm. "Ready, sister?"</p><p>"Not really," Rebecca answered and accepted James' arm. "But we should be going either way."</p><p>James helped her into the carriage before entering it on the other side. "Don't worry. You can dance with whoever you want tonight. And if you don't want to dance with a stranger, both I and Steve are happy to step in."</p><p>"What if no one wants to dance with me?" Rebecca's voice was very small.</p><p>"Becca." James waited until his sister looked at him, then he took her hand. "You are a Barnes. More importantly, you are a beautiful, funny, intelligent young woman. Whoever doesn't see you and swoons is an idiot. Do you believe me?"</p><p>Rebecca smiled softly. "Not really. But thank you anyway."</p><p>"You'll see, by tomorrow the salon will be brimming with suitors for you. And I'll scare off every single one of them."</p><p>"James!"</p><p>"I'm joking! Mother would have my head if I was disrupting your chances. But I want you to know that you can always come to me. If some dirtbag makes any unseeming advances tonight, I want you to tell me. Do you understand?"</p><p>"And what? You'll fight him between champagne and caviar?"</p><p>James scoffed. "Please. I'll challenge him to a duel."</p><p>"James!"</p><p>"Joking, Rebecca. Don't worry about me. I'm rather worried how Steve will react, to be honest. Sometimes I feel like he acts more your big brother than I do." James frowned.</p><p>Now it was Rebecca who took his hand and squeezed it gently. "You're doing a good job. I'm glad you're here with me."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>The carriage stopped in front of the mansion. Laughter and light streamed outside and the air was heavy with perfume and delicacies. James was at least as nervous as Rebecca was, but he fixed a calm mask on his face as he helped her out of the carriage. "Ready?" he asked softly and waited for her nod before he led Rebecca inside. The warmth and sounds inside were almost overwhelming, but James acted as if everything was in order. And it was for everyone else, probably. They made their rounds together, James greeting some friends and whispering to Rebecca of the different benefits and disadvantages of the single men they passed. Finally, they reached the ballroom were Steve and Margaret were waiting near the door.</p><p>"Rebecca! You look lovely, my dear." Margaret smiled at her like the big sister she was in all but blood and name. "I hope you're not too nervous?"</p><p>"Only a little," Rebecca answered with a brave face.</p><p>"No need to, darling." Margaret then turned to James and raised a brow. "I hope you haven't scared her, James."</p><p>"Me? No!" James grinned at her. "Good to see you, Pegs. Hope this idiot isn't doing any stupid things."</p><p>"Only minor stupid things. Nothing I couldn't deal with."</p><p>"I am right here," Steve threw in, his voice only playfully annoyed. "Honestly, you two getting along is the worst thing that has happened to me."</p><p>"Don't be too dramatic, darling," Margaret scolded with a grin.</p><p>Steve sighed, then turned to Rebecca, bowing like the gentleman he had been raised to be. "Would you care for a dance, Rebecca? I think your brother and my wife have some catching up to do."</p><p>Rebecca glanced to James, who nodded. "Go on, I'm right here. Steve'll take care of you. If you want to dance with someone else afterwards, come to me first, just so that I know who to watch. Alright?"</p><p>"Of course." Rebecca smiled, then took Steve's arm to be led away to the dancefloor.</p><p>"Steve's dancing without being threatened? What's going on?"</p><p>Margaret smiled at the pair on the dancefloor. "He loves Rebecca like a brother. That seems to overrule his aversion to dancing. Though he has been getting better lately."</p><p>"Everything okay with you?" James asked without taking his eyes away from his sister. "Mother asked to invite you both for dinner tomorrow."</p><p>"Yes, everything good. And we'd love to come. What about you, James? Getting used to being head of family?"</p><p>James sighed. "Slowly, yes. I mean, it's not since his death that I'm the heir, but I had been fooling around a lot. I know that. It's… scary that both Mother and Rebecca rely on me being responsible."</p><p>Margaret gently touched his arm. "You're doing good, James. I'm sure you're making your father proud."</p><p>"I hope so." While his gaze followed Rebecca, it stopped at the sight of a beautiful redhead. "Pegs? Do you know her?"</p><p>Margaret subtly looked in the same direction, then, not so subtly, rolled her eyes at him. "Really, James, if you'd show a bit more interest in social life."</p><p>"Are you going to tell me or just lecture me?"</p><p>Margaret shot him a scathing look but sighed soundlessly. "Her name's Natasha Romanoff. General Fury took her in as a child; her father saved his life, as far as rumours go. She'd been promised to a young soldier but he died before their marriage. Fury now brought her into the city to find a husband for her."</p><p>"What's Barton got to do with her? Isn't he already married?"</p><p>"They are friends since childhood, not unlike you and Steve. It's said between him and Fury they scared off every suitor." Margaret threw him an amused glance. "They were at ours for lunch a few days ago. Shall I ask Steve to introduce you later?"</p><p>James's throat was parched and he couldn't find words. Instead, he nodded.</p><p>"Oh dear." Margaret sounded both amused and surprised as she took in James's gaze that hadn't wandered from Miss Romanoff. "You are practically spellbound."</p><p>"What? No." James shook himself awake but he swore he could see the smirk on Miss Romanoff's face. "No, I'm not."</p><p>Rebecca and Steve chose that moment to return from the dancefloor and James turned his attention back to his sister. "Did you have fun?"</p><p>"Yes. Mr. Maximoff might wants to talk to you later. He asked me to dance." Rebecca's cheeks were pink and her eyes shone.</p><p>James couldn't help but feel happy for her. "Then I'll wait for him. Would you want to dance with him now?"</p><p>"If I may?"</p><p>"I can watch her," Margaret offered with an easy smile. "Steve, why don't you introduce James to General Fury and Miss Romanoff? I'm sure he would love to make their acquaintance."</p><p>Steve frowned. He knew that James had no interest whatsoever in military. Still, he trusted his wife and since James didn't tell him off, he did as he was told. "General Fury," he greeted the one-eyed man. "Miss Romanoff. Having you for lunch was an absolute delight. May I introduce my dear friend, Mr James Barnes?"</p><p>"The pleasure is all mine," James said with his boyish smile and bowed to Miss Romanoff. "I hope you like it in the city so far."</p><p>"I cannot complain," she answered with the same smirk she had gifted him earlier.</p><p>"Barnes." Fury nodded at him with a grim look. "My condolences. I knew your father well."</p><p>"Thank you, General." Still, he hadn't come over to talk about his father. "Miss Romanoff, may I ask you for this dance."</p><p>"You surely may, Mr Barnes." She took his offered hand with a smile and waited until they were moving to the music before she spoke up again. "I guess you will now tell me how beautiful I am and that I can be lucky enough that you will ask for my hand?"</p><p>James supressed a laugh and shook his head. "I would tell you, but I guess every man here has already told you. So I'd rather compliment you on your wit; a characteristic that is much more important in a woman, I think."</p><p>"You do." She raised an eyebrow at him.</p><p>James nodded. "Of course. If I'm to choose a bride I'd rather she's bright enough to talk to. Beauty is a bonus, I think."</p><p>"You don't seem to be like the other men, Mr Barnes."</p><p>"I do hope so." James grinned at her and twirled her to the music. "Would you mind me as your suitor?"</p><p>Miss Romanoff stopped dead, not caring for the other couples who had to dance around them. "What?"</p><p>James cleared his throat and felt the heat creep up his neck. "Well, I… I would like to get to know you. But I would not pursue your affection if you were not interested." He shrugged self-consciously. "I'm not the only single man, you know? Not even the only head of a house. And I'm sure there are men here today with greater wealth to their name. Stark, for example."</p><p>"I met Stark," Miss Romanoff said with a tone that James couldn't really decipher.</p><p>James cleared his throat and continued their dance. "I guess, what I'm saying is that you could do better than me."</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Yes?" James repeated, barely trusting his ears. He couldn't help the disappointment showing on his face.</p><p>"Yes, I would like you to visit tomorrow." Miss Romanoff let go of him as the song ended and curtsied, a smirk playing on her lips. "I'm certainly looking forward to it, Mr Barnes."</p><p>"As do I," James answered with a happy grin. "As do I."</p>
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